Save My Soul
by SweetXSacrifice
Summary: Team centered if you squint. Sam gets kidnapped and is missing for years. When the team finally finds her, it's going to be a long road back to who she used to be, and she will never be quite the same. Solid T with undescribed mature topics.
1. Chapter 1

Working Title: Save My Soul

Team centered fic with strong Sam/Jack pairing towards the end. Sam gets kidnapped and is missing for a year. When they finally find her, it's going to be a long road back to who she used to be, and she will never be quite the same. Third POV. Italics denote Goa'uld speaking unless otherwise noted.

 **Chapter 1**

 _Drip. Drip. Drip._ Major Samantha 'Sam' Carter groaned while rolling out of bed, hearing the incessant pitter patter of water, letting her know that leak in the bathroom faucet has yet to be fixed. It's been that way for longer than Sam can remember, but there hasn't been the time or energy to put towards getting it fixed. These past few months have been relentless. If it wasn't mission after mission, it was some other catastrophe that has plagued her mind. But it is a blessing to be busy, not only that but to have found something that has been a lifelong dream. Space exploration up close and personal. Much more than NASA could ever offer. It's funny to recall the efforts of Jacob Carter to get his daughter into the program and his confusion at the hasty denial. And to see him get a clear understanding all on his own. It was like a kid at Christmas, opening up their first present.

The Stargate Program has brought so much that could only be imagined. Much more than the perfect job. It reunited Sam's family. Gave her a rich relationship with her father that otherwise would never have occurred. Even mended the tenuous ropes of her relationship with her brother Mark. Every now and then, Sam even got a chance to act out the title of aunt to his two young children. Well, from time to time. Not to add confusion, there's still room for improvement. But especially with the passing of their dad, the effort has been a two way street.

Nostalgia aside, Sam turns the tv on to add background noise and prepare for today. The team is scheduled to have another mission today, a 5-day trip to PX5983. UAV showed that it's largely uninhabited with the exception of some small hut-like houses scattered around. Preliminary scans highlighted some mineral deposits that may be of use. Of course the SGC are hoping that it is Naquadah, but it could be something new and just as desirable. Which had been a point of contention for Colonel O'Neill. He was a firm believer in things that were too good to be true. But Sam would rather look on the brighter side of things, skeptically of course but still have hope.

Throwing some final stuff into a bag, the house is locked up and Sam is finally headed off to the base. Walking up to the entry point of the mountain, Sam sees her female confidant, Doctor Janet Frazier. Janet is the one person that Sam is able to lean on for other types of support, to show a softer, more civilian side. Even though both are military, they are female first. Usually she is already inside playing busy bee. So it is surprising to see her rushing along.

"Hey, look who is late!" Sam tease her, light heartedly.

"Yeah, yeah. Cassie was dragging her feet, trying to convince me to let her stay home."

"She usually likes school, what's wrong?" It is a wonder at what issues a 16 year old girl could possibly conjure up. Then again, Cassie wasn't your ordinary girl.

"Somewhat of a mystery. You know how private kids like to be these days," Janet shook her head. They both flashed their badges to the gate guards habitually. "But I am pretty sure she is trying to avoid this boy who has been after her. I think he has a crush."

"And I'm guessing Cassie is not interested?"

"Cassie has her hands full with suitors these days!" Janet and Sam both laugh carefree yet wistfully.

Must be nice to have a list to pick from. Without a care in the world, but what the best outfit to wear or what movie to see with friends. Time doesn't allow the SGC women, or people in general, such luxury, it's safe to say that both Janet and Sam are married to the job. Which one can view as depressing if you really think about it. They are risking their lives to save a world that will never know what was at stake. But that is essentially the point of it all. Survival.

Major Sam Carter has had her fair share of experiences with the opposite sex. It's not as though she is some shrewd. Even intergalactically. None of which worked out for several reasons, lack of trying not being one of them. The men that Sam has met and dated, if it got that far, either lost patience with her job's secrecy or busy schedule, or much more dramatically, have died. Some have even nicknamed her the "black widow" secretly on base. It's not hard to hear all the rumors that churn. One of the greatest, at least the most damning rumor, is one that Sam can only fantasize about. Like they say, the heart wants what it wants despite the legal ramifications of what that entails in this special case. The way Sam's mind is set up, the easy route and settling for an unattached man would be to simple. Nope. Sam's sights have to be set on the the most complicated, and unavailable, professionally and emotionally man ever as luck would have it. And speak of the devil, so shall he appear.

"Ladies, imagine seeing you two here." Colonel O'Neill inanely commented upon seeing his coworkers exiting the elevator.

"Good morning Colonel."

"Hi Sir, ready for mission?"

"You mean the death trap, Carter? Of course, I was born ready!" the Colonel pumped his fist in the air. Biting her lip, Sam shakes her head slightly to hide signs of laughter and to metaphorically remove the nonsense of her previous thoughts. Janet rolled her eyes, unabashedly.

"Well, I'll let you guys prepare for your trip. And for what it's worth, I'm betting on you being wrong and completely bored, Sir." Janet smiled and turned down the hallway leading to her office.

"Me? Bored? Only simple minded people are bored Carter. You don't think she is implying that I'm not super intelligent do you?" Colonel O'Neill feigned shock.

"Of course not, Sir. Have no idea why she would ever suggest that." Sam smiled mischievously. The smiling lasted only a second as doubts colored Sam's mind as she saw the beginning signs of a frown appear.

"If I didn't know better, I would say you were giving off a shadow of insubordination. But I know better." he smiles, reassuring her that the easy banter is harmless.

"Of course not, Sir." Earlier sentiments repeated. It is moments like this why Sam would always cherish time in the Mountain. She wouldn't give this up for anything or anyone. At least not anyone else outside of her aforementioned fantasies.

Both head to the briefing room, noting that it's time to start the day and prepare to leave. They all meet the rest of the team, and discussions begin about expectations and strategy.

A/N: I finished up to chapter 11. Hope you enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Stepping out onto the planet, the team is greeted with a warm and gentle breeze. These a lush forest ahead that can barely be made out with the naked eye. The stargate sits on top of a grassy knoll that looks as though there should be someone herding sheep on it. Fairly scenic and seemingly harmless. Daniel, Teal'c and Colonel O'Neill are already beginning to slowly make their way down the hill. Sam can see the Colonel scanning the perimeter, ever at the ready. He seems on edge, which is understandable being on foreign soil.

If there were unfriendlies here, SG-1's position would be easily discovered as the Stargate was perched on the highest level of the planet's elevation for a good distance. And while Carter is still hopeful, she has been on enough missions to know that sticking out is never the best option in uncharted territory. Seamlessly, they all scale the hill, working to get down and find more suitable cover as quickly as possible.

"Let's hurry and get into the forest before long, I don't like being out here all….naked." Colonel O'Neill ordered us along.

"We are not naked O'Neill, and I believe our clothing is adequate for the temperature on this planet." Teal'c stated matter of factly. From time to time, he still has trouble with Earth terminology, though at times one has toI wonder if that is just his Jaffa humor poking through.

"He means exposed to other people Teal'c." Daniel always ready and willing to explain.

No other words are spared as they all concentrate on quickening the pace. There are hours to go until night falls, which is another slight strike against the odds. But knock on wood, it has been a long time since any danger has come to this team. Not even clumsy Daniel has had any ill luck as of late. But this is SG-1 and as fate would have it, it's about time for a disaster. Colonel O'Neill's earlier premonitions of doom enter Sam's mind like a dark cloud. Positive thoughts make positive actions. Sam forces that mantra repeatedly. It's not good to think any other way, especially in the middle of nowhere. SG-1 collectively release a sigh of relief that none were aware was being held as they take the first steps into the forest.

Beads of sweat roll down the Colonel's forehead as he sighs audibly. "I'm getting too old for this."

"You say that every time Sir."

"Yeah well, every time I am older than the last time I said it." Colonel smiled proudly at his own comment. "I'd say we have about 4 hours until nightfall, so let's try and make a dent in this forest before we camp out. Probably gonna take about 10 hours to get to the little huts and then another 3 to get to the mines that the UAV showed."

"Sounds like a plan. Nothing more I enjoy than walking through a jungle terrain for hours." Daniel groans.

"So sorry I forgot to pack the jeep Danny!"

Laughter spills freely, the team enjoying the camaraderie that was easily procured over the years. Daniel and Teal'c are walking up ahead a little bit with the Colonel and Sam covering their six. It was pretty out on PX5983,, hearing all the birds chirping and feeling the slight warm breeze across Sam's skin. She steals a glance at Colonel O'Neill and catches him slightly grinning at her, face turning a faint shade of red upon seeing that he was caught.

"How is that social life working out Carter?"

"What are you talking about Sir? If you're asking what I did this weekend, the answer is not much. Read some now out of date articles that I've been meaning to get to. I won't bore you with the details though." Sam winked at him, knowing he thought she was going to get into her trademarked technobabble.

"Well thank the heavens above for that. But I was referring to the social life that I had ordered you to get awhile back. Are you disobeying a direct order?"

"Unintentionally I guess, but you do know you can't just order one of those on Amazon Sir. I've tried." Sam laugh a little bit. To be honest, it feels a little weird talking about her personal life with the Colonel. Yes they are friends, but they both care about each other a lot more than they should. Thoughts of the Zatarc testing run through Sam's mind. She always try to purge those thoughts and feelings even as harmless as they seem. It's too dangerous and in the end it brings more pain than pleasure, knowing that nothing can be done about it.

"One day, there will be an easy button for everything Carter. I believe it." then he had the nerve to wink at her as though he was relaying some kind of secret, coded message.

One day is always a day away it seems.

The rest of the day is spent in comfortable silence. Colonel takes up some mindless humming/whistling, Daniel looks like he's ready to call it a day and Teal'c looks like they haven't been walking for the past few hours. Some of that alien stamina would be much appreciated at times. Sam can feel the evidence of the trek in her lower back. They all push on, trying to remain focused on keeping a good pace up.

The sky has gotten considerably darker and it is harder to see more than a few feet away. But from what can be seen, it looks as though there is a small clearing up ahead. Hopefully a good place to set up camp. They have managed to cut a pretty good size chunk out of the trip, estimating another 3 hours give or take until reaching the village. Making it to the other side of the clearing, they drop our gear and begin to set up.

It's not long before the team is sitting around a small fire, heating up MREs. They are on standard rotation, and it's Sam's turn to stand watch first. They all make quick work of the food as it's not too appetizing. The rest of the team pile off into either one of the two tents and Sam's watch begins.

The sky has a strange hue to it. Not quite the same as nighttime on Earth, almost purple color sprawls across the horizon. Not a star is in sight. Tuning her ears, Sam listen for any new sounds or signs of life. All is quiet on the western front so to speak. She grips her gun and starts to walk the perimeter of camp, you never know what could be around especially on alien territory. The watch lasts at just under 2 hours with the goal of everyone getting a least 2-3 hours of solid sleep before starting back out. Of course sleeping on an alien planet isn't really quality sleep. Though Daniel always seems to manage to get a restful sleep somehow.

Stretching her back and neck out, Sam tilts her head slightly at a rustling sound in the distance. Before getting a chance to turn around, there is a blinding flash and everything around her disappears. Including her ability and or memory to call out any type of warning.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: First two chapters were kind of boring I know, it's going to pick up I promise! Read, Review, Enjoy!**

 **Chapter 3**

Being a creature of habit, most of all being innately the military man he is, Colonel O'Neill, woke up at his time to take over watch from Carter. Looking around, O'Neill frowned as usually she was the one prodding him to take his turn so she could crash. Peeking out of the slit in the tent, it was still dark outside as expected. Though no one had determined the length of night on this planet, but it was safe to assume that it was at least 6 hours in duration. Strapping his bootlaces up, O'Neill hoisted himself up, grabbed his gun and scooted out of the tent.

"Carter, time's up!"

He looked around when there was no reply. His senses heightened, he made quick work of the perimeter and saw no sign of her. She wouldn't have gone to the bathroom, she was supposed to wake one of the team members up before going alone or leaving the camp unguarded. And as long as SG-1 has been SG-1, that would be a rookie mistake.

"Carter! Where are you Carter!" O'Neill yelled out this time, restrained panic coloring his loud bark. Running back to the tents, he quickly shook Daniel and Teal'c awake.

"Jack, what's wrong?" Daniel reached for his glasses and started sitting up.

"Carter, she's missing. She wasn't standing watch when I went to take over." O'Neill's voice was rash and hurried. The fire was still going, despite Sam's absence.

"O'Neill, perhaps she is simply relieving herself?" Teal'c hoisted his gear higher on his back, having already broken down his tent.

"If she did, I swear I'm gonna wring her neck out, she knows better! Now come on, something isn't right." O'Neill surged forward, newfound energy filling his body. His hair felt like it was standing on end, he just knew something more nefarious was at play.

The team walked hurriedly checked the perimeter of the clearing in case she was ducking behind a tree. Finding nothing, they go the direction of the town, as that would have to be the only other probably place to find Sam. No words are spared as they all pick up the pace and all are filled with a strong sense of urgency. The town was three hours away from when they made camp, so while there was no way of telling when Sam was taken if that was the case, it gave them a good idea of the possibilities.

Two hours pass and they can see the town up ahead. Daniel calls out, bringing them all to a halt.

"Wait, we should think this through," Daniel pauses, trying to catch his breath as they were going at a breakneck pace. "We don't know these, people and if we go into their village guns blazing, they are going to feel threatened."

"Carter is missing, possibly kidnapped who knows, we are threatening Daniel!" Colonel O'Neill growled exasperated at the delay.

"I believe what Daniel is attempting to reason, O'Neill, is that these people may not have anything to do with Major Carter's disappearance. They may be able to assist us, and if we threaten them, they may not be willing to do so."

"Exactly!" Daniel confirms.

O'Neill takes a moment and along with it a deep breath. He knows they are right, yet his anxiety and instantaneous fight or flight mode has long since been kicked in.

"OK, Daniel, you go ahead and do your thing, with the introductions and all that. Then we'll go from there."

Everyone nods in agreement and they close the distance between them and the village. Guns still at the ready, they cautiously walk past the first few huts. Activity around the area is understandably minimal considering the suspected hour. Heading further in to the center, what looks to be a common meeting point or some kind of market place is found.

All the huts look similar with no signs of varying importance. It seems everyone is still sleeping. Which alludes to one thing. Carter is most likely not here. Daniel walks to a hut nearest him, and looks to O'Neill for approval.

"Only way to find out, be careful." O'Neill warns.

The door seems to be composed of a mixture of straw and tree bark. Logs are gathered which make up the walls, with bamboo like leaves creating a roof. Cautiously, Daniel knocks on the makeshift door a couple of times and steps away.

"Ok kids, let's see if this is a friend or foe."

Moments pass, an impatience rises. Finally an older man opens the door slightly, cautious himself about unknown visitors.

Daniel waves slowly, and puts both hands up in the air, letting his gun hang around his shoulders. The man seemingly is put at ease with this display, and steps out a little bit further. Taking caution to close the door to his hut.

"You?" the man uttered, slowly looking at each of SG-1 and their guns.

"Um...hi, we are friends from the Stargate." Daniel began to explain, relieved that the man seems to speak some semblance of English.

"Star-gate?"

"Yes, the big circle." Daniel points to the general direction of the Stargate. The team must have some other term that they use for it. Though seeing how primitive this village appears to be, it's possible they have not used it. Or have known about what it can do.

The man's eyes get big, and he begins to kneel. Frail knees make him struggle with this behavior was common across people who had little to no contact with the Stargate aside from Goa'uld coming through. Often times, they equated a visit from someone as though they were gods. SG-1 always took care to correct this and try and show that they were not false gods. This time was no different, as Daniel carefully made to lift the man back to his feet.

"No, you don't have to do that. We are friends, not someone to bow to."

"I...see...so who?" the man asked, not quite believing Daniel.

"We go through the circle, looking for friends. Explorers. Now we had a 4th person with us, have you seen anyone?" Daniel points to each team member, attempting to signal the missing person.

Confusion once again colors the mans face, though he does make a concerted effort as though he is trying to recall earlier events. Alas, he shakes his head.

"No see, but I hear big space bird." the man gestures in the sky and spreads his arms out wide. Daniel turns to Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c after trying to piece together the man's meaning.

"He must mean he heard a ship go by."

"Shit!" O'Neill exclaims. The possibilities of where Carter could be, and the likelihood of finding her, just grew exponentially with her having been taken by some kind of ship. "Let's go Daniel, time to go home. Maybe another team can come make nice, but we gotta plan to set up."

Knowing that the chances of other members of the village knowing where Carter had gone were slim to none, Daniel thanked the man and bid farewell. The team began the long and tense trek back home, armed with determination, motivation, anger to whoever took Carter, and above all else, concern.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's another chapter! I have been dragging my feet as far as uploading I know. :( But I'm currently on Chapter 13 technically, but I'm re-writing chapter 12. I am going to try to upload one chapter a week. Let me know what you think, enjoy!**

 **Chapter 4**

Back at the SGC, Daniel, Teal'C and O'Neill sit around the debriefing table waiting for General Hammond to come out from his office, where he is speaking with someone on the phone. O'Neill is drumming his fingers on the table, filled with impatient energy and determined resolve. He was ready to go back out there, guns ablazing. Only problem was, where would he go? What is the starting point?

"We will find her Jack. We always seem to turn up ok in the end." Daniel tried to reassure O'Neill. For a moment the facade of his steely eyes faltered. To the untrained eye, O'Neill was the picture of stoic, undaunted and unchallenged. But Daniel, and Teal'C as well, have known him long enough to understand what lies beneath all of that. If it was anyone of them that was missing, or taken as it were, he would have the same feeling of dread and concern. But they all knew that with Sam it was different. Sam meant something different to all of them. She was the glue that held the family together.

To Teal'C and Daniel, Sam was was the sister that they never had. She could go back and forth, challenging Daniel's theories and supported his views as well as being pretty much his only best friend. Teal'C was able to engage her warrior spirit as a soldier, and she offered him a gentle companionship as well, however silently it was at times. But it was easy to see that the relationship with Sam and Colonel O'Neill, was something far richer, and complicated.

Over the years, they have all been through trying times to say the least. As a team, as friends, and individually. And fate is often times twisted as is the case with Sam and O'Neill. They are both diametrically opposing forces, professionally and personally. Colonel O'Neill is Sam's superior, and while as much as he tries to feign ignorance, O'Neill isn't that intellectually void but pales in comparison to Sam's ability. Yet they both are inexplicably drawn to one another like a pair of magnets. Friends is much too simplistic a term for their relationship, though the more endearing and appropriate term is completely off limits due to their respective military standings. But the heart and the brain aren't universally linked. Both have done an unnervingly outstanding job at projecting their professional relationship at all times, unless alien influence prevented that.

"Everyone's luck runs out Daniel. But we will find her, I'd just rather it be sooner than later." O'Neill countered, his jaw tight with determination. Finally, as the minutes slowly ticked by, General Hammond made his long awaited exodus from his office.

"I take it everyone already completed their protocol physicals before this debriefing?" the General asked, already knowing the answer.

"Sir, we did not encounter any issues that would warrant a physical and with all due respect, time is of the essence." O'Neill stated, he sounded as though he was gearing up for a confrontation. He knew he didn't follow the protocol but he was anxious to get started. Approximately elven hours had already eclipsed since Sam's been gone.

"Under these circumstances, I will allow it, but next time I expect everyone to abide by the protocol. It's there for a reason folks. Now. What happened."

"Well, everything appeared fine when we first arrived to PX5983. No evidence of human tampering just as the UAV predicted until the village. The team made it to an approximate midpoint to the village where we saw a clearing and after securing the perimeter, we made camp. It was just at nightfall and Carter took first watch. The rest of us retired to our tents, and when I came back to relieve Carter, there was no sign of her. After determining she was nowhere in the vicinity, we made for the village, thinking someone might have compromised our position and took her. But when we finally got there, everyone was asleep."

"Daniel woke up one of the villagers who luckily enough, spoke some limited English. He had no knowledge of the Stargate except that Goa'uld came through it and denied seeing any strange activity around the village. He did see a ship fly overhead but aside from that we haven't any other information. We took some time to ask a few other villages similar questions but that proved mostly useless. They weren't able to tell us anything about this ship besides that it comes every so often and takes some of their people, usually women. They didn't seem to recognize Teal'C's symbol so Daniel believes it may be some lesser known Goa'uld." O'Neill finished recanting exactly what had transpired.

"It's a small village, they didn't mention anything else about their women being taken?" General Hammond probed. With a village that size, losing women seemed to be a vital event. And from what it looked like, the village had been fairly established for some time and somewhat thriving.

"One villager mentioned that some women were returned. They seemed wary to discuss them in detail. All I was able to ascertain were that the ones who came back were all housed together and never talked about what had happened, or really talked at all." Daniel explained, to which O'Neill stared at him somewhat questioningly.

"I didn't know all that."

"I was speaking to someone who came up to me, you and Teal'C were still speaking with the first man we met." Daniel explained, "It didn't seem pertinent to tell you."

"It was pertinent to know that the women who were taken were traumatized so much that they became mute when they came back Daniel. It was pertinent to know that they were returned at all!" O'Neill responded, his voice colored in anger. Though directed at Daniel, he knew it was more situational than personal. Daniel withheld the information, knowing that it implied exactly what O'Neill said.

"O'Neill, I believe Daniel Jackson chose not to tell us this information believing that the knowledge would do more harm than good and not contribute to Major Carter's retrieval." Teal'c had reasoned with O'Neill.

"Maybe, but I'd like to be the judge of that." O'Neill said to acquiescence. "Sir, on our own I think it would be nothing short of a wild goose chase to look for Carter. I think the best course of action would be to call on some allies."

"I was just about to make the similar suggestion Colonel. I'll send out word to the Tok'ra and see if the Asgard has any knowledge of this planet. In the meantime, you all go complete your physicals and stay close by." General Hammond ordered.


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't want to be one of those people that hold the story ransom for reviews. And I love seeing how many people are following this story….but any comments would be lovely as well. :) Hope you enjoy this! I'm up to Chapter 15 right now. I'm trying to only write when I feel like it, because that's when the content is more natural I think.**

 **Chapter 5**

 _Aboard Unknown Ship_

Devoid of warning, the dirt beneath Major Carter's boots suddenly changed to smooth, cold metal. Sam could see the familiar rings descending back into place on the floor, signaling that she was aboard a Goa'uld ship. Wide eyed and surprised, Sam came face to face with a Goa'uld that she wasn't able to recall. Haphazardly, she attempted to aim her weapon at the man to no avail as it was no longer in her grasp. Two guards flanked her would be captor, with one standing behind her as well. Though out of her line of sight, she could feel his staff weapon pointing at her back.

 _What you are looking for has been removed from you woman."_ the man that spoke, was impressive in stature. His build would appear to rival that of Teal'c's. His voice deep with the aid of a symbiote, surely was just as deep without. His skin tan enough to be racially ambiguous, but held eyes that were a steely grey. His forehead absent of any First Prime markings was odd as the guards seemed clearly reverent towards him. A Goa'uld who did their own dirty work so to speak, was a rare sight. So rare in fact, that this very thing put her even more unnerved.

"What did you think I was looking for? Not a gun to shoot you with, I'd never do something so bold as that." Sam spit out, her voice tinged with sarcasm. A characteristic that had been picked up from Colonel O'Neill over the years. It was never good to let them know or let them think you were scared of them. But pissing them off also wasn't the best plan either, it was a fair line that one had to balance in dealing with a captor.

" _Hm...you are more outspoken than the others. And dressed in strange clothes."_ the Goa'uld approaches Sam and moves to grab hold of her uniform. She quickly shifts away out of is reach and is rewarded with a sharp jab from the jaffa behind her.

Forcefully grabbing the jacket, the Goa'uld runs his fingers across, examining it. _"Where did you come from?"_

"A galaxy far, far away. Now who the hell are you?" She questions in turn and is quickly brought to her knees.

" _You do not question your God!"_ the jaffa bellows behind her.

The stinging in her knees, make her think twice to providing any witty retort. Spacing out the caustic insults is better for survival in the long run. The Goa'uld seems amused at the spirit that Sam demonstrated so far, a low rumble that could be discerned as laughter came from him.

" _Out of all my centuries, harvesting this planet, I have yet had the opportunity to observe another creature outside it's realm."_ Arrogance colored the Goa'uld's voice. Something that remained commonplace among all of the parasitic race.

"And I'm guessing it would be unlike you to pass up a good opportunity? As much as I'd like to say I'm happy to oblige, I'm really not."

" _Oh you will, in the end they all give me what I want._ _ **Everything**_ _I want."_ the Goa'uld slide his hand from Sam's jacket, up to her throat. He didn't grip it with any strength, yet he caressed her neck in such a way that sent shivers down her spine. It was a touch that signaled much more than simply torture.

" _Now, let's get started. I am an impatient God."_ he snapped his fingers twice, causing the two jaffa at his side to hurry from place to place. They were gathering various items, one of which was easily identifiable as a pain stick, and another object that appeared to be some kind of vial. As the man went to sit down on his assumed throne, the jaffa safeguarding any hope of escape for her, roughly pushed her forward, and gripped both her hands forcing them into some kind of metal cuffs that dangled from the ceiling.

"Things are moving pretty fast, don't you want me to know what God you are?" she fished for information. The chances of making any kind of connection to who he was, or where they were was slim, but she had to attempt something.

" _Kuk. God of Darkness. Now, where do you hail from?"_ malevolence shades his voice. A dark cloud settles behind her eyes, no pun intended. While she's never heard of him, in her experience, these false gods attempt to live up to their namesake.

"Earth, small place much like the one you picked me up off of." She downplayed the size of Earth. She didn't know what capabilities he harbored, but it was best not to give him any ideas.

" _Well, let's see what Earth women are made of shall we?"_ a slick smile spreads across his face, and Kuk walks over to a small table with various instruments strewn across it. Brushing his fingers thoughtfully over several tools, he weighed his options carefully. Choosing one, Kuk turned and walked up to face Sam.

It was what looked to be a some kind of crude hook, with a handle on the end which Kuk wielded with familiarity. He barely laid the tip of it on her upper arm and smiled.

" _One of my usual women usually start begging at this point."_ Kuk snapped his attention for any sign of reaction from her. No thoughts or feelings betrayed her face, her resolve sound and steady.

"Are you one of those guys who likes talking a lot?" Sam chided him, letting him know she wasn't going to be easy to break. But that is what Kuk was counting on, what he was hoping for. He had spent countless decades playing with the same group of women. Hearing the same begging and pointless bargaining. He was biding his time until he could capitalize on his growing power, but he was growing restless and needed new challenges. He had been cast out into the far corners of the universe long ago by System Lords stronger than him, definitely stronger at the time of his rebellion. The only way for Goa'uld to excel forward from any lowly station such that Kuk held at the time, was to rebel against the System Lord that you were meant to have given allegiance to. Kuk thought he had enough loyal jaffa with him at the time he was serving Apophis, but at the moment of truth, they had all betrayed him. And so here he was, in a distant place with very little life to rule over. Little by little, he added to his Jaffa. He started with only a handful, no more than 5. Now he had managed a small army at around 45. So to pass the time he amused himself with the pitiful offerings of one of three barely inhabited worlds that he had access to.

At her recent snide remark, Kuk made to show her what kind of man he was. What kind of God he really was. Without hesitation, he dug the hook into Sam's forearm, embedding it and holding it there. While it looked like a simple hook, it had the unique ability of sending a burning sensation to whatever it's end touched. The added benefit was that it acted as a cauterization device which was helpful in prolonging his torturous intent. A gasp escaped her throat. She took a over pronounced gulp, attempting not to give him the satisfaction of crying out.

Over the years, she had been cut, burned, poked and prodded. She liked to believe she had a fairly high level of tolerance to pain. You kind of needed that in this line of work. The burning sensation on her arm was building and felt like it was crescending to new height with each passing moment. Kuk started into her eyes, longingly awaiting a scream or sign of pain.

After still being met with silence, a smile grew on his concrete face. Switching hands, he brought the offending tool to the side of Sam's back. Pulling lightly, he never broke eye contact with her. _"Maybe this will make you a little more vocal."_

With no further remark, the hook broke through her skin and exited out the front of her stomach, missing any vital organs but giving Kuk the desired effect. She couldn't hold back any more from yelling out at this intrusion.

"You are going to have to try a lot harder than that if you want to get anything out of me!" she spat out between spasms of gasping for air. Consciously, she tried to steady her breathing quickly. Attempts made at recovery was short lived.

Kuk dragged out another object. This one appeared to be a vial containing some kind of shimmering blue liquid. He stuck a needle-tipped syringe into it, and filled it with a healthy amount. _"We are going to have quite a time with this soon. But first, let's continue the old fashioned way."_

" _Are you ready to tell me more about Earth?"_

"Can't say that I am, to be honest."

" _Very well."_ Kuk abruptly backhanded Sam, causing her to sway back and forth on the restraints she was dangling from. Blood trickled down from where he lip was split from the force of Kuk's hand. Kuk slid up and grabbed both sides of Sam's face, stilling her frame.

Using all the strength she could summon, she shot both of her legs forward and kicked Kuk who was caught off guard. He doubled over momentarily. Sam grinned at what she knew was a short lived victory. Seconds after, a Jaffa was at her rear, and jabbed a painstick into her lumbar region. A scream freely escaped her throat, not expecting the attack from behind her. Her body went limp, standing upright only with aids of the restraints above her.

" _That was a cute attempt. But futile and only hurt you in the end as you witnessed. But by all means, try and try again!"_ As Kuk laughter unrestrained, darkness overtook Sam, her body exhausted.


	6. Chapter 6

**Let me know what you think. I found a story the other day by chance that was written in 2014 I think, but so much like this story. Sigh. Hopefully none of you have read it, lol**

 **Chapter 6**

Back at the SGC

Three months have passed, and there has been no signs of finding Sam's whereabouts any time soon. With each passing day, it felt as though hope was going with it. The air of SGC seemed stale and stagnant. Sam was very much the spirit of the place and her absence was felt by everyone who had come across her. Between General Hammond and Colonel O'Neill, just about every ally they had made over the years had been contacted to try and find any information. They even contacted the Asgard, knowing they couldn't interfere or intervene most likely.

Turns out the Asgard had their own crisis going on and weren't able to lend any form of assistance. Though they did promise to keep an eye out for anything they might hear. The Tok'ra were not any more of a help. They never heard of the planet that Sam was taken from but they did send word to all of their operatives to keep a look out for her if they happened to stumble across her on their mission. But with the Tok'ra, they viewed the situation more strategically, with the length of time growing wider by the week, they were hesitant to expend any resources on what they saw as most likely dead end. It was uncertain if Sam was even still alive, and if she was after three months, would it be worth it to risk themselves for one individual ally? The one thing that the Tok'ra didn't operate on was hope.

Hope. What does that really mean? In noun form, it means either an expectation and desire that one has for something to happen, or a feeling of trust. It's verb form, it's to want something to happen. But really it means something far grander. Hope is the string holding the remaining members of SG-1 together. It was what was propelling them forward. And for one in particular, hope was the only thing keeping them upright.

Colonel O'Neill could never be called a patient man even on a good day, but now he was even more incorrigible. He tiptoed along the lines of unprofessionalism, stopping right before the point of reprimand. And perhaps what helped him was understanding. Sympathy. During the countless missions, searching forSam, O'Neill insisted on being the first one out there. Rightfully so. He even volunteered SG-1 for missions that were clearly dead ends and wild goose chases for the small chance that it would turn up fruitful. And honestly, neither Daniel or Teal'c objected. They would all go to the end of the Earth, end of the universe to try and find her.

General Hammond reasoned that he would allocate just as much resources to finding Sam to anyone else under his command, but he would be lying. She was like his niece. He had known her all of her life. And she was a valued asset to Earth, if it wasn't for her, the Stargate program wouldn't be where it was today. Most likely. But he did have to give SG-1 other missions to do. Three months solely dedicated to finding one person was the longest he could reasonably justify.

"It's only been three months! Carter spent 6 months trying to find me on Edora!" O'Neill nothing short of barked back. The General had just informed the team that they were being placed back into rotation.

"That was 6 months of work she did on the side of going on other missions that SG-1 was scheduled on. I understand your frustration son, I really do. But unfortunately I can't use anymore of SGC resources solely on a rescue mission."

"How many times has Sam saved this facility?" Daniel chimed in. Everyone was just as dedicated and motivated to getting Sam back.

"I know. And I'm not saying you can't continue to look for her. But right now, there's no starting point. We haven't gained any ground or better understanding of what happened. For all we know, you could come across her while visiting another planet." Hammond reasoned.

"Fine. Consider us back on rotation. Can we be dismissed?" O'Neill quipped. He was already making to stand.

Looking at him resigned, General Hammond nodded his head and dismissed the team.

Daniel had to run to catch up to O'Neill who was storming down the hall. "Jack wait up!"

"What Daniel?" O'Neill slowed his pace by a fraction of a minute.

"You have to calm down. You know the General is right, we have been going out blind for months now."

"I'm not stopping until I find her Daniel. I don't care how long it takes." Colonel O'Neill spoke in slow, measured tones. He was like a dog with a bone, and anyone be damned to get in his way. But Daniel couldn't fault him for that. He remembered how it was when Sha're was taken. There was nothing and no one that could stop him. So he sympathised completely with O'Neill, and he couldn't go against him.

"We aren't giving up Jack. Sam is strong, I know she's still out there. Hell, she might find her way back to us first." A ghost of a smile presented in response.

Weeks passed by, turning into months. SG-1 was active again in rotation. Every mission so far had been fairly standard, no surprises. No surprises on any of their detours either. On missions where the team were scheduled to be gone for at least over 3 days, they would gate to other planets so long as their scheduled mission allowed. These secret missions could of course end very badly if they got caught by an enemy. There would be no hope for rescue or back up. But that was a risk they all readily took.

Another four months passed. It had been 7 months in total since Sam's abduction. At this point, thoughts and words of her rescue where dissipating. Life was moving on. For all except Colonel O'Neill. He had become unrecognizable. He was withdrawn, guarded and hard to reach. No one could talk to him, not even Daniel. Not even Teal'c who surprisingly enough, often had a skill of connecting to O'Neill on a deeper level at times. Perhaps due to similar experiences.

It was a slow progression. But with each month that Sam continued to be lost to them, Colonel O'Neill was lost as well. Team nights didn't happen. They rarely even saw him anywhere on base outside of the embarkation room. If they weren't off world, they weren't together. He would hole himself away in his office. A place whose location was previously a mystery to him.

And at the one year anniversary of her disappearance, O'Neill retreated even from the SGC itself. He had left for his cabin in Minnesota. With no word of when he would return. Of course he was duty bound to return, but he had an ample amount of leave time. Time that he intended on exhausting unless otherwise ordered.


	7. Chapter 7

**I read another story where the Goa'uld's name was Kuk. I mean….how random was that? Maybe not so much because I did google egyptian names and that's how I picked Kuk. But hope you enjoy. I'm on Chapter 17 now. I will post faster in the future.**

 **Chapter 7**

It was a miracle that her body was still moving. Time was a strange concept. She wasn't sure if a week had passed, a month, but it definitely felt as though a year had passed since she last felt whole. Kuk had definitely earned his name and wore it proudly like a badge of honor. One of the things that Kuk had failed to obtain yet, was a sarcophagus. Despite, its harrowing effects, at this very moment it was something she yearned for.

Kuk had been largely unsuccessful prying any information that was vital or detrimental to Earth's survival, but he had learned by way of observation, and experimentation. He allowed Sam to have short periods of respite to recover enough where he could continue with his sadism. Perhaps due to his own host, he realized the frailty of the human body.

Like a scientist, he studied her responses and toyed with them stopping at the brink of destruction. Leaving her begging for him to end it. He had used this one instrument that inflicted pain at every moment of breath being taken. She never experienced anything remotely like it. Moving didn't activate the weapon that was injected into her veins. It was as though it targeted her neurologically, able to discern when she needed to breath. Ultimately, her body had to force itself not to breath and she lost consciousness.

It had come to the point where Kuk didn't even bother to hook her up to the chains dangling from the ceiling. She was powerless to escape his grasp. Her shoulders had long since been dislocated. Her foot had been crushed and was dragged when she was moved like dead weight. So physically, there wasn't much more that she could stand. Kuk left her alone to heal, not wanting to risk ending his enjoyment.

The place she was held was certainly no Ritz couldn't see much except for a small ray of light that had escaped through a overhead vent. From what she could tell though, the room was well used. It was wet, musty smell marinated the air and barely big enough to hold her broken form inside.

She could tell the days passing from the sliver of light coming and going. Or at least that was the best way of measuring it. Kuk had not come for her for what she could tell was over two months. She had no sign of life around her aside from the guard tossing in a horrid tray of what was passing as food. Sam could feel herself malnourished. She knew that choice to eat the slop was taken away if she had hoped to escape. Or hoped to still be around to be rescued. The gruel was nauseating and unsettling. The only way she managed to get it down was in big gulps as if she was taking a shot of alcohol. What was even worse was the fact that she had limited use of her hands, and was forced to face-plant into the food to eat. If she ever got out, she reasoned, she would never complain about an MRE ever again. When she had enough time to rest, and mentally prepare, she managed to relocate her shoulders and reset her ankle. Which meant she needed to re-break it to be aligned properly. Tried as she did, she could not stop the scream that escaped her lips with each movement.

Another month or so passed much the same. She had even started to yearn for Kuk's arrival. Despite what that would signify, she needed human contact. She attempted at times to speak with the guards but to no avail. Kuk must have instructed them to ignore her. But one day, something had changed, she felt the ship moving for quite some time. Then she heard the voice of a woman. Hope soared within Sam, only to be extinguished with the accompanying sounds of gut-wrenching screams and and equally guttural laughter.

 _Did he forget about me? Was I not enough? I didn't tell him anything, no one could have given him more of a challenge than me._ her thoughts began to run wild. Closing her eyes, she tried to center her mind and regain the balance she felt slipping out her grasp.

 _That's a good thing Sam, he's not focused on you. Concentrate on getting better, think of getting back to Earth. Think of your team. Think of Jack._ Sam forced herself to follow her pep talk. She turned her thoughts to Earth, attempting to drown out the sounds of the poor women Kuk had taken.

The first thing she planned on doing, is taking a long shower. The hottest one her skin could take. Then she was going to find the biggest steak and the tallest glass of wine to drink. She definitely deserved it. After creating her fantasy, her thoughts shifted to all the people she missed. She wondered what Daniel, Teal'c and Jack we doing. Normally she would guard how she thought of the Colonel, even alone as she is now, because anything else was dangerous territory. But Sam was honestly not even sure if she would get to see any of them again for it to matter. The boundless memories she carried with her of the team and of Jack where her most cherished possessions. Her heart told her that they would never give up finding her. Her heart told her that Jack would champion her survival.

If she really allowed herself, she could manage to almost feel the touch of his hands and his arms around her. Sam mentally fell into the security of his imaginary embrace. She envisioned his head resting on hers, whispering that it was all going to be okay. Believing that it was, she drifted off into a deceivingly blissful sleep.

WHACK! The door to her cage violently swung open, jarring Sam back to her dire reality. Clearly startled, sher starred wide-eyed, seeing Kuk standing triumphantly before her. He stood there silently at first. For a quick and unexplainable moment, Sam felt herself start to smile at him. But she caught herself. She wasn't relieved to see him, she knew what was coming. Or at least, she thought she knew. Looking at her from head to toe, as if he was planning his next series of attacks.

" _Hello Samantha. Are you ready for the games to continue?"_ Kuk motioned for his Jaffa to lift Sam to her feat. Wordlessly, he turned to go to his throne room, with her being dragged behind him.

Arriving, Sam looked around to realize that she wasn't in his throne room like before. But she was in his personal quarters. The Jaffa carrying her, unceremoniously dropped her on the bed. Quickly regaining her balance, she shifted and made to stand up, only to be knocked back down, this time being pinned by the same Jaffa.

" _Time for a different kind of fun my feisty Samantha. It's been far too long since we last played."_ Kuk's eyes gleamed with his evil intent. Smiling that same saccharin and sadistic grin, he retrieved a vial and syringe from a nearby table. Filling it, he quickly returned to her side. With one hand, he grabbed her chin and roughly pushed it to the side. _"You know what this is?"_

Sam stared at him out of the side of her eye, refusing to respond. She gritted her teeth, mentally recollecting the last syringe he had brought out to torment her with. Though this one had a more illuminating appearance, she did not discount the end result as being any different.

" _That's ok, don't answer. I rather tell you what you are going to experience instead. You are going to get the life changing opportunity to experience the worst facets of humanity. By the time I finish with you, you are not going to even trust yourself."_

She had difficulty trying to wrap her mind around his veiled response. She couldn't grasp how what she imagined was going to be off the richter scale of pain, was going to equate to the worst of humanity. She felt the needle pierce the thin skin of her neck, causing her to wince. Like it or not, she would soon discover pain like never before. Something that would test everything that she had inside of her.

Kuk leaned back, taking a moment to observe her. He was obviously waiting for some kind of reaction. He was silent and patient. All that was missing was a bowl of popcorn. Sam laid there, her nerves building at his response. She didn't feel any sign of pain or discomfort. She shook her head and blinked repeatedly. Her sight began to get fuzzy, Kuk looked as though he was coming in and out of the room.

She struggled to see clearly. She still had yet to feel any pain. Instead she didn't feel anything. She could tell whatever he gave her had paralyzed her. Still, she attempting to lift her arm but she couldn't even pick up her index finger. Then all of a sudden, her captor disappeared altogether, yet she could still hear his mechanical voice. And it dawned on her, that there are things that are worse than physical pain.

" _Samantha, tell me, how do you feel?"_

Kuk's hand shot up to her leg, which was almost completely exposed from being shredded by his previous knife work. Feeling the warmth underneath his palm, Kuk squeezed it hard as if it was nothing more than play dough. Sam's mouth fell opened but just as she didn't so much as flinch, so was she void of sound. The pain rang through her body like a bell being struck, but she was completely powerless to fight against it. The injection had rendered her completely helpless. She wasn't even afforded the release of a scream. Kuk clapped his hands with an almost youthful glee, genuinely pleased with the results.

" _Now that we have you all warmed up, what do you think your people are doing right this second?"_ Kuk's question came, seemingly out of nowhere. Since she had been here, Kuk appeared completely disinterested in the usual line of torture questions. And it had been countless months that passed with nothing. He had simply enjoyed torturing her with no intent other than his sick pleasure of seeing her writhe in pain.

But as the haze overtook her senses, his voice and his body began morphing into someone else. Her mind inadvertently answered his question mentally, and she began envisioning her team going about their standard routine. Kuk was no longer there, his body lost an inch of height, his hair grew longer and his clothes became BDUs.

Disbelief colored her eyes. She knew she wasn't seeing what she thought she was. It didn't make sense. Completely out of reason. Yet here she was, looking directly at her best friend.

"Daniel? Oh my God, how did you get here?" she exclaimed. She never imagined feeling as happy to see Daniel as she did in that moment.

"I've always been here Sam. Don't you remember?" Daniel asked. He cocked his head to the side, appearing innocently confused. With one finger, he pushed his glasses higher on his nose. It was that slight movement which caused Sam to think twice. Daniel had begun wearing contacts months ago. Well, most likely a year ago at this point.

Testing her theory, she frowned in frustration finding her body still paralyzed. She still felt that hazy, heavy feeling behind her eyes. Whatever Kuk had given her, it was causing her to hallucinate. And he seemed to know how to manipulate those hallucinations.

"I don't know what you're hoping to gain from this Kuk, but you're still going to have to try harder." her voice wavered with a false bravado. Mentally, she began a steady chant, telling herself that this was not real. That Daniel was not here.

"Sam, Sam, Sam. I intend to do more than try. Aren't you happy to see me? I've been missing you a lot." Daniel's voice floated to her ears. He seemed so real. His voice so reassuring, even just his illusioned presence. She felt the bed lighten as the man stood to grab something else from his bedside table. He slid what looked to be brass knuckles over his fingers and returned to the side of Sam's bed.

Swiftly and unceremoniously, the look-a-like Daniel drove his fist into her stomach. Unable to find any other outlet, tears escaped the corner of Sam's eyes and she screamed silently. But what had hurt far worse, was seeing the face of her attacker. Daniel didn't stop his melee with that first, well-placed punch. Soon the hazy, cloudy feeling that the drug induced, was fading as she began to slip from consciousness. And it was much welcomed.

In her heart, she completely believed that Daniel wasn't the one causing her so much torment. But her mind was having a harder time discerning that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Sir, we are getting an incoming wormhole….computer shows PX5983." Siler shouted to be heard over the shrill sounds of the Klaxons. Siler would always remember the significance of that planet. Every member of SGC would. And to see it flash across the screen was surprising.

It was standard protocol for the flagship team to respond to any unscheduled gate activations. Daniel and Teal'c had been the only ones left to respond aside from General Hammond who was already there along with the other staff members already stationed in the control room.

Colonel O'Neill had submitted his resignation just over a month prior. Hammond had enough of his sulking and his behavior. His vacation time had expired around 8 months ago, and Hammond generously transferred him over to a leave of absence. He had given him another 6 months to get it together before he ordered O'Neill back to the base. O'Neill had adamantly and not so respectfully refused, instead, offered his resignation. Hammond was still debating on whether or not to accept it officially.

This person that Colonel O'Neil had turned into was beyond cold and distant. He was cruel and went out of his way to make it known he didn't want to see or talk to anyone. Even Daniel or Teal'c. It was as if having any ties to them, was too painful a reminder of who was missing. He had retreated so far within himself, the one time Daniel and Teal'c did visit him, it was as though they were visiting a comatose patient. Their presence was not even acknowledged.

The message was heard loud and clear. Daniel and Teal'C had just leaned in to each other. It was as though they were all they had left. Which for all intent and purposes was true.

"Go ahead and open it." Hammond commanded after seeing the code come through successfully. The last time they had traveled to the planet, they had given them a code to use just in case they found something useful. Now after over a year, it was a mystery as to what they could have possibly found. The two standing members of SG-1 looked at each other with what dared to look like hope.

The gate swooshed forward as the horizon opened. Every breath was held waiting for someone to appear through the gate. The seconds ticked by, impatiently. Then finally a man stepped through looking wide-eyed with awe at his new surroundings. Daniel recognized the man as the son of the elderly man that they first made contact with in the village long ago. All but running out the control room to meet him, Daniel greeted the young man.

"Akhom, is everything ok with your father?"

"Yes, he is who sent me for you. I saw the flying ring." Akhom spoke fast with excitement.

"Come let's talk with everyone at once, follow me Akhom." Daniel led the man up to the briefing room. Hammond, Teal'c were already there waiting on them.

"This is Akhom, he is the son of the villager we first met. He said he saw something." Daniel gestured to him to continue explaining what he discovered.

"A big flying ring, came over the village. Stopped and then left quickly."

"It was a ship, did you see anyone descending from it?" Teal'c probed.

"No, it was late at night. We searched the area for long time. We think someone went up into the ring, one of the villagers are missing. A young woman. My father wanted me to find you and thought it might have something to do with your woman." Akhom's eyes were large and inquisitive, wondering if his information was of any help.

It was a Godsend. Much more information that they had managed to come across in almost two years. They had contacted all of their allies and even gated to random planets in hopes of striking gold. They had gone through countless resources much to the government's chagrin. They had reasoned that Sam has been taken from the planet by means of a ship, but they had no way of knowing where to go from there. Goa'uld ships are capable of going all over the galaxy but have significant speed restraints.. The villagers were inexperienced and had difficulty identifying any sort of marks that might have highlighted what kind of ship it was.

"When was this woman taken?" Hammond questioned. The proverbial wheels were already turning in his mind.

"About a quarter moon ago. I travelled to our Star-gate as quickly as possible." Akhom responded, looking at Daniel to see if he had used the foreign term correctly, to which he received a curt nod.

Akhom explained taking a couple of days to arrive at the stargate, meaning that he probably last saw the ship over his village about 15 days or so, give or take. Some other villagers experienced the same ship coming and going in the past, many years ago, Akhom mentioned, but were afraid to speak on it, hoping to forget about it.

Anxious to get the search restarted, General Hammond, Daniel and Teal'c thanked Akhom for the information and promised to try and help them get their villager back if possible. Hammond had him escorted back to the gate room and prepared to send him back home for the time being.

"So there's a Goa'uld using his ship to abduct woman it seems. Ever heard of that before Teal'C?" Daniel started to brainstorm.

"No. It is a very inefficient way of capturing people. Goa'ulds mainly use their ships as ways of making a statement if they are taking over a world. Otherwise the Stargate is far superior method of transporting prisoners." Teal'c explained.

That only left one possible reason, this Goa'uld had no access to the Stargate on wherever his home base was from. And if there was no gate on his planet, it had to have been close by to PX5983.

Which meant that they would have to travel to whatever surrounding planets PX5983 had also by way of a ship. And depending on the distance, which was most likely still significant, it would take at least another month just to arrive at one planet. And they could not determine how many planets surrounded PX5983 until they were actually using the systems aboard on of their ships.

"Sir, permission to go use the Prometheus to scout one of these planets?" Daniel asked, anxiety increasing by the minute.

"I'm afraid the President has denied any further resources to be allocated in searching for Major Carter. He ordered that Major Carter be placed on the official MIA list as of 4 months ago." General Hammond disclosed.

"FOUR MONTHS AGO? Why weren't we told about this?" Daniel uncharacteristically yelled.

"I wanted to hold out hope for something like what we just heard. I apologize for keeping you in the dark, but I feared if I told you it would lower morale unnecessarily and increased the finality of not finding her." Hammond sighed, clearly resigned. It was in that moment, that Daniel and Teal'c could see the years and years of stress laid bare n his face. Even though it had been decades since the General had been in direct battle, his face told the stories of a wartorn life, heavy with weariness.

"We understand your reasonings General Hammond. But with all due respect, we will not stop looking for Major Carter now that we know she may be on a planet close to PX5983."

"And I do not want you to Teal'c. That is why I will reach out to the Tok'ra and see if they can lend us a ship for the time being. The President never said we couldn't use ally resources to find Major Carter." Hammond's eyes twinkled with a mischievous tint and smiled.

"Now, while I do that, why don't the two of you see if you can prod the bear to come out of hibernation. I have a feeling someone would be very interested in this mission."


	9. Chapter 9

**Guess who is on Chapter 19? Think I will be done soon. Whenever I'm finished, I will most likely just post the rest of the chapters all at once. Let me know what you think!**

 **Chapter 9**

They opened up the car door after what seemed like hours of just sitting and staring. Daniel and Teal'c had decided it would be easier to talk to Colonel O'Neill together. Of course he would be interested in talking to them once they told him about possibly finding Sam, but usually he wouldn't be patient enough to let anyone utter more than a few words. This way, they could kind of tag team him.

"You ready?"

"We are simply talking to an old friend Daniel Jackson, there is nothing to be ready for." Teal'c always had a way of putting things into perspective. Though Colonel O'Neill had clearly hardened his shell, they were still part of something and shared something that was so unique and larger in life. That would never change their bond ultimately.

Daniel hesitated once more, then in a moment of definite courage, he rasped his knuckles on the door, knocking twice. Seconds turned into minutes, before the pair finally heard the tale-tell signs of movement. The door quickly shot open, and the man who stood before them, rendered them speechless before even speaking a word.

His hair was thick and unruly, he had a beard on his face that was evidently unkempt. He had a beer bottle in his hand that looked right at home, as though it was always a permanent fixture. He frowned and stared back and forth, as if debating on whether or not Daniel and Teal'C he was going to accept them being there.

"Look Jack, I know you aren't too happy about seeing us, but I think you will be once we tell you what we found out." Daniel broke the hanging silence before holding his breath. O'Neill's stare could have burned holes in the both of them. Without another word, he turned and started walking back into his living room, leaving the door ajar.

"I thought you had something to tell me, hurry up and come in, you're letting the cold air out." O'Neill stopped short of barking over his shoulder.

Daniel and Teal'c shared a quick glance before going inside, still apprehensive. O'Neill seemed to be no better off than last time they met. Not that there was much reason to be, but time had not healed any of his apparent wounds.

"How have you been?" Daniel didn't expect an honest answer, but this was the first time in months that they had been this close to talk. He had to try something. He knew that O'Neill was still burrowed in there somewhere deep.

"Did you come to do a welfare check, or was there some news to tell me?"

"Right….um…"

"We believe we have located the means of Major Carter's abduction. She may be on a nearby planet that does not possess a Stargate." Teal'c picked up the slack from Daniel. This was not the time to repair friendships. Teal'c feared that if Major Carter was really lost to them forever, so to was their friendship.

"May be on a planet? So you came here for another goose chase? Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have opened the damn door." O'Neill took a swig of his beer and turned the tv volume up. "You know where the door is."

Daniel stood up abruptly. There had to be some way of getting across to him. He wasn't even trying to feign concern. O'Neill sat there with the most apathetic stare. Daniel was standing in front of him, but it was as if O'Neill was staring straight through him. He no longer cared about anything, not even himself. He was stuck in a heavy fog. That might have been behavior they were willing to ignore in the past, but now that there was a slight chance at finding Sam, that was unacceptable. She deserved all of their efforts. And Daniel knew that O'Neill would never forgive himself for not trying had he ever come out of his funk.

"Jack! We have all put up with your bullshit for long enough! We have all been having a hard time dealing with Sam's disappearance but you do not just get to check out on life. You do not get to check out on us! We didn't even have to come here and include you. So the least you can do is turn the tv off, and stop drinking that damn beer!" Daniel finally exploded, grabbing the beer out of O'Neill's hand and unceremoniously flung it across the room. It shattered on the adjoining wall into a hundred pieces. Something that surprised even Daniel as though he wasn't the one who threw it..

Clearly shocked, O'Neill looked at his hand that was holding the beer Daniel just threw and the spot that it shattered. He looked back and forth between Daniel and Teal'C, then closed his eyes for a moment in thought. This wasn't what Sam would have wanted. The team broken apart, and for what? For him to wallow in misery and self-pity? She would have wanted the same thing he would have wanted for her if he had been the missing one. To keep on living and fighting.

Running a hand across his face, he felt an overwhelming sense of disgust over what he had allowed himself to turn into. A cold, shadow of the man he once was. He can't say he was surprised. This man was the same one who made his appearance with the death of O'Neill's son. The same man who had pushed his wife away when she needed him the most. He had failed his wife then, and now he was failing Sam. Not only her, but Daniel was right. He was failing his team who were the last family he had left.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I was too blinded by my pain to see anyone elses, and that wasn't fair to you all."

"We forgive you O'Neill. Although we do not forgive your lack of personal hygiene being maintained." Teal'c spoke up, offering a moment of levity. O'Neill allowed himself a moment to do something that he hadn't done in many months. He laughed.

"Was that a joke T?"

"A lot has changed Jack. I understand how you felt, having lost Sha're, but you can't just stop talking to us Jack. It's obviously not healthy for you. And we have missed you too." Daniel answered O'Neill's question. He knew that was at the root of his actions. Not that he lost just a team member. Not that he lost just a friend. But, not that he would admit it out loud, O'Neill had lost his soul mate. And that could be devastating. He barely came back from losing Sha're himself. So if anyone could have sympathized with O'Neill, it was Daniel.

"Right. Well you know me and talking. I'm more of an actions guy, and when I couldn't do anything, I didn't know what to do, ya know?"

"Yeah I get it, but let's talk about what we found now that the air is cleared?" Daniel and O'Neill finished making amends. The first step in healing being taken.


	10. Chapter 10

**So thanks to the person who reviewed just to say they were crossing my story off the list because they were not going to ready a story that was finished. Btw, the story is written ahead but I have not finished. Like Erykah Badu said, "I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my shit." I'm trying to make this story as natural as possible but without further ado...chapter 10**

 **Chapter 10**

The Tok'ra had finally came through for their allies for once. They had a ship ready for them to use. And General Hammond had agreed upon O'Neill joining them on the mission. It seemed that all the stars were finally aligning. It created a tangible feeling of electricity lingering through the air. Something that had long since been absent. They had dared to hope and imagine a successful mission. Though they had all acknowledged the chances they were up against.

"Alright folks, let's get this show on the road!" O'Neill clapped his hands together, after jumping off the bench in the locker room. Teal'C and Daniel had to convince him to shave his beard. O'Neill argued that it made him look daunting and manly, while they had to reason with him that he looked more like a homeless werewolf than anything else.

Looking back at him, Daniel smiled to himself, relishing in seeing his best friend back at home. It was almost like old times. Almost. Finding Carter would only be one sign of the coin. If they did find her alive, more questions came forth than answers. What had happened to her all these months? Could she survive that?

Only time could tell, but they would all be there together for whatever challenges had to be faced.

"Let us embark on this journey O'Neill and Daniel Jackson!" Teal'c lead the way, equally excited. They all headed off to make it through the gate for whatever awaited them.

It was a small aircraft that the Tok'ra had offered them, they had limited resources, and had been somewhat hesitant to lend even that. But after a tense back and forth exchange, they had agreed to lend out the ship. SG-1 took SG-8 and SG-13 with them as back up, and they were going to fly the craft through the gate to PX5983. Then, using the ship's scanning capabilities, they could get a better idea on what planets were nearby. Which planet would be visited first was at that point, merely a guessing game. Patience was one thing that they would have to have, as time would go slowly between planets. They had reasoned that the first planet they were traveling to, would take at least 1 week to arrive at, and the other two planets would take at 2 weeks and 5 weeks respectively.

That had proved to be a point of contention at first also. Some of the team members wanted to travel to the farthest planet first, arguing that they could just stop at the other two planets on the way back if nothing turned up. But Colonel O'Neill was anxious to start searching anywhere. And he had won out in the end. So after setting the course for the first planet, everyone settled in, trying to get as comfortable as possible on a cold, flying piece of metal.

The time seemed to slow down to an unbearable pace. There were only so many words that could be exchanged, and only so long the teams could stare at each other. Some had taken to playing cards, while others tried to sleep away the time. But again, sleeping was difficult as well on a cold, flying piece of metal. Lieutenant Krachur was standing at the control panel after 6 days had passed.

"Looks like we are coming upon the planet finally. System is telling me it's around 12 hours until we break into the atmosphere. So we'll be there within the day."

Everyone cheered in anticipation. They were not only excited to start searching, but they were excited to get out of the cramped space. With 3 teams, 12 people on a small space craft was pushing it. Breaking into the atmosphere, the planet below was filled with nothing but sand. Wind lashed out, making it appear as though hundreds of tiny tornadoes were dashing about.

"Not to be the bearer of bad news, but this doesn't look too promising." Major Whitnet stated. It did look like no one could survive in that type of atmosphere. But there was no way to determine if the whole planet was covered without searching. If they had a newer ship, they could have easily scanned the planet it moments.

"Maybe we should split up? Go to three different points on the planet, one of us stays with the ship? We could cover more ground that way. This place is pretty big." Lt. Krachur suggest.

"Good idea son, Col. O'Neill stated. He had always liked to try and encourage the younger soldiers. They all decided to set up intervals of about 100 miles apart from each drop off point. If they covered enough ground fast enough, most likely they could cover half of the planet in 3-4 days.

The remaining members of Sg-1 were the last to have left the ship. The other teams had traveled East and South, they were going North. It was still a longshot, but it felt like they were doing something helpful. Something with purpose.

"This is it." O'Neill spoke after awhile. They had been walking for about 40 minutes, no words having been shared between them.

"What?" Daniel stared at him, confused.

"She's here. I can feel it. I know that's weird and doesn't make sense, but I just know it."

Daniel nodded his head, he understood. He got it. So did Teal'c. Once you were connected with someone it was as if they became like a beacon. You always could tell their presence without even seeing them. It was something that was hard to explain unless you actually experienced it for yourself. Like Teal'c and Daniel both did with their wives.

"Do you think, that whoever took her would have kept her alive this whole time? It's been two years."

"Remember what the village elder told us before we left? The bastard's name is Kuk, the God of Darkness for crying out loud. If he kidnaps those women to try and get his rocks off, he most definitely kept Carter alive. She's not easy to break, and he would have taken advantage of that." There was an odd mix of pride and disgust that twinkled in O'Neill's eye.

Carter could keep up with the best of them. Some would say because she was trying to overcompensate for being a female in a male-dominated field and not wanting to seem weak. But for Colonel O'Neill and anyone else who really knew her, they knew how strong she really was. Even O'Neill had been one of her doubters in the beginning, but she had quickly earned her fair share, and then some. And while he was proud of the valor that he knew Carter must have showed all these months, a part of him also was pained at how much she withstood. And to be alone through it all.

"It is one of the great pastimes for a Goa'uld to torture their captor. We could only hope that Kuk has kept his hands full with other captives." Teal'c solemnly responded. He had first hand knowledge of what someone could be put through.

The heat was beating down as they trekked through the sand covered, desert planet. Sweat rolled freely from top down. If this was were Kuk took his prisoners it was smart. There was no way for anyone to survive this atmosphere for long if they escaped from his clutches. Especially after being weakened by torture. Colonel O'Neill recalled the time that he was tortured by Ba'al. Sure he had experienced torture by the hands of many in his time, both on Earth and intergalactic. But his time with Ba'al stuck to him like a tattoo. He swore he could still feel the sensations tickling his skin. He wasn't much of a praying man, but he lost track of how much he has prayed for Carter's return and for it to be as undaunting as possible. But that was a tall order for anyone to try and fulfill.

They continued to push forward despite the blistering hot air. They were motivated for the first time since they had originally started looking for Carter. They were beginning to feel something akin to hope again, yet still wary of letting that fester for too long.

And that hope started blossoming when Daniel peered into his binoculars and saw a small fortress in the distance.

"Jack! I see some kind of structure, look!" Daniel spoke with excitement, quickly shoving the binoculars in Colonel O'Neill's hands.

After confirming the sight for himself, O'Neill looked torn between following their standard protocol and charging full force ahead. After fighting that inner battle, O'Neill spoke into his two-way.

"Colonel O'Neill here, we found a structure a few clicks ahead. We are waiting for back-up then plan to move forward. O'Neill out."

Static filled the air. They lost track of how far they were from the other teams, but the ship should be able to intercept their communication clearly and relay the message. And right on time, the radios started crackling with life.

"Major Whitnet here, messaged receive. I'll round up the other two teams and we will meet you at your coordinates."

"Alright well let's catch a breather until SG-8 and 13 join us. We're gonna need all the energy we can get." Colonel O'Neill ordered.

Thirty minutes passed before the three teams were all back in formation. SG-8's second in command, Captain Hauser, a shorter man, knocking on thirty's door, was bustling ahead. He came to the SGC just a few months after Carter was MIA and it was easy to see how he had advanced in ranking so fast. He was intelligent, creative and his tactical skills rivaled those of his senior. His energy was abounding.

"Miller, watch out, your feet are going to catch fire." Daniel joked with Hauser with ease and familiarity.

"You know what I always say Dan, there's only one way of getting somewhere. Fast." Hauser patted Daniel on the shoulder.

Turning Teal'c, O'Neill shot him an inquisitive stare, "Dan?"

"Daniel Jackson and Captain Hauser have become good friends these past few months. I believe Daniel has been feeling somewhat alone, and enjoyed the familiar camaraderie that Hauser was able to provide."

"I guess that's understandable. But Dan?" O'Neill half-heartedly chuckled as if he was okay with the new nickname and friendship. The prideful part of him was jealous. He was the one who always had nicknames for Daniel–space monkey, Danny–but Dan just didn't even feel right. But he knew that he had caused a lot of damage. He couldn't expect his team to forgive him that easily. They needed time. He wasn't that dense.

Coming up to the edge of the clearing where the structure sat, they all ducked down assessing any points of entry. It was a small building, not typical of a Goa'uld base. Another untypical aspect was the fact that there weren't Jaffa roaming the area or standing guard.

Colonel Murkel, the leader of SG-13, positions himself next to O'Neill. "Would you like to take point on this?"

"Yeah, thanks." Colonel O'Neill responded. Everyone knew how important this mission was, not only to the SGC, but it was important for Colonel O'Neill. They would lose him forever if this mission did not end on a good note. And O'Neill respected how everyone was going out of their way to make this a success.

Crouching down, O'Neil motions for the teams to slowly descend on the entry point they found. Stopping right outside, there is no shield or fortification to the door providing security.

One by one, the teams file in the building, fanning across both sides of a long hallway. They decide to split up, SG-13 turn right and SG-8 and SG-1 head left. They don't see anything but torch like lights hanging on either side of the walls. The hallway let out to different rooms that were staggered across from each other.

Carefully scanning the first room, they see nothing of interest. It's what looks to be a gathering or meeting room. It's large with a stage at one end, a gaudy throne sits upon it. Quickly as they came, SG-1 and 8 comb through the rest of the rooms. The last room they see, is clearly some kind of torture chamber. Different instruments are strewn across a long table. Shackles are dangling from the ceiling. The air is damp and humid, uncharacteristic of the rest of the rooms.

"Jack, check this out." Daniel is glaring at something on the table, with a look of disgust. Walking over to him, Colonel O'Neill's eyes widen, momentarily taken aback.

"You think it's hers?" Daniel asked. With all the countless prisoners that must have come across this table, it would be a stretch to believe that Carter had been on this table. Except for the fact that in the middle of the puddled mess on the table, remained a tuft of blond hair.

"Can't be, it's too much blood." O'Neill answered with such finality. He couldn't entertain the alternative.

" _Colonel O'Neill come in."_ everyone's radios sparked to life. Captain Hauser's voice called out, with an unidentifiable edge to it.

"O'Neill here, I'm with SG-13 as well."

" _She's here. We found her."_


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Colonel O'Neill saw Major Murkel open his mouth to speak. Looking straight into his eyes, O'Neill knew the question that was only natural to be asked. It was a question he needed to be answered in the affirmative. But it was an answer that he needed verifiable physical proof.

"We are on our way Hauser." O'Neill interjected before anyone else responded. It was a rare show of desperation that no one would have ever thought to associate Colonel O'Neill with.

They have finally met the precipice of what has been culminating over the past 2, almost 3 years. Anxiety is even higher than ever, with only moments separating from seeing the seeds of their work. Daniel Jackson, Teal'c, and SG-13 are all sprinting back towards SG-8's reported location. Adrenaline is pumping full force amongst all of them.

O'Neill stops once he sees Hauser standing solemnly in front of a room. Behind him are the rest of his team, stealing nervous glances inside the room and to each other. The air is heavy with their discomfort. Hauser steps up, opens his mouth to speak but quickly closes it, the words failing to come forward.

"Any sign of this Kuk fellow?" O'Neill asked. Since they had entered the building, it appeared all but abandoned. With how remote the planet was, it was to be expected that Kuk wasn't overly worried about guarding his place. He would most likely not have many Jaffa serving him as he was still building his army slowly. Someone in Kuk's position would need all the Jaffa he could use to put forth a show of force and attempt to make others believe he was stronger than he was.

Evidence of a minute struggle laid before the entryway where Hauser and his team stood. Kuk had left three Jaffa behind to guard Sam. Which again, was fruitless as there was virtually no place on this planet to escape to.

"What is it? Tell me." O'Neill whispers, his heart is in his throat.

"Kuk is gone for now. But um. Major Carter, uh, she's in that room. We all agreed that it might be better for just SG-1 to go and get her."

O'Neill could feel his famous temper slowly building, Captain Hauser's slow, methodical words doing nothing for his patience. "Why?" O'Neill barked, unrestrained.

"She's alive, but uh, she's completely undressed." Hauser finally revealed why everyone was so standoffish.

O'Neill swallowed a big lump that kept forming in his throat and closed his eyes. He knew that after all this time, if she was alive it wouldn't be good. He knew that the possibilities of Sam having been through the worst imaginable torture was not only likely, but definite.

"Right. Well, um….I'll go in alone." O'Neill responded. He saw Daniel out of the corner of his eye step towards him. "I'll call if I need help, but shouldn't overwhelm her with too many people. Who knows how she'll react."

Everyone nodded in agreement. They were honestly relieved to not go inside immediately, they had all expected to be retrieving a dead body. They had prepared for that, but preparing for a team member, a best friend who had been through hell and then some, was impossible.

Colonel O'Neill hands off his gear and his gun to Teal'c and Daniel. He figures the less he has on him, the less intimidating he would come across. There was still no guarantee that she would associate him with safety. Her mental state would be in question initially. He knew, he had been there and had gotten the t-shirt. Stepping in to the room, it was large and opulent. There were fabrics and cushions strewn across everywhere.

In the center of the lavish room sat a over-sized bed. True to Hauser's warning, there lied Major Carter spread out on the bed stark naked. The only thing that covered her were visible scars and cuts that were in different stages of healing. Bruising mottled her skin, hiding the creamy coloring he would have expected to couldn't help but almost gasp at the sight before him. Sam stared back at him but it was as if she was looking right through him.

Looking around the room, he found a long strip of fabric hanging on the wall. Ripping it down, he slowly walked back to her side to offer her the most modesty he could provide. He tried to rack his brain for appropriate words to say. They all seemed grossly inadequate.

"Come on Sam, let's get you home." he finally spurted out. She blinked hard, and he could almost see her thinking. He could tell she was assessing how to respond. Hesitantly, she began stretching her hand out to meet his arm. Just before her fingertips met his the edge of his shirt, she drew back as though feeling heat and she was seconds from being burned. With a surprising burst of energy, she scattered backwards, wrapping the proffered sheet around her.

"Please, I can't take anymore. Don't touch me." Sam's voice broke, fragile as ever. O'Neill watched her bewildered, seeing her backed in the corner like a caged and wounded animal. It was as though she feared him yet she was resigned to the her fate at the same time. Her legs were the thinnest he's ever seen. They shook, clearly showing her fear. She was fighting to stay upright. O'Neill felt a small sense of pride seeing that there was still a small spark of fight buried inside Sam.

When he was captured back on Earth all those years ago, he recalled one of their favorite tactics. Destroy all sense of hope, they sought to ensure that the only thing that you wanted was death. And that was what they always withheld hoping to break you. But Sam being fearful of him was something he couldn't empathize with. He knew that what happened next would be vital in her recovery. Quickly and quietly he backed out of the room back to where the rest of the teams were.

"What's wrong?" Daniel asked, his voice heavy with concern and confusion.

"I expected her to be traumatized, but uh, she seems to be afraid of me for some reason. Why don't you go and try to talk to her Daniel." O'Neill suggested. His pride was a little wounded but he pushed that away. This was not the time for such a selfish thought.

Taking his hat off, Daniel handed his gear and his weapon to Colonel O'Neill to hold. "Alright, but I don't see why I would be any less threatening after all."

Daniel proceeded to enter the room without waiting for any response. With the dim lighting, he could barely make out Sam's form in the far corner of the room.

"Sam? Is it okay if I come up to you? I want to be able to talk to you better." Daniel spoke softly and gently, taking care not to come off in any ill-perceived manner.

Moments passed by with only silence filling the air. Daniel risked taking a few steps further towards her. As he did, he got a clearer view and noticed her fists balled up. They were so tightly balled, her emaciated knuckles jutted out like daggers.

"Don't. Touch. Me." the words spat out like venom perfectly aimed. Daniel winced, shocked and unprepared for her vitriol. She appeared frail and weak, but her words were strong and biting. Her eyes never left his, she was clearly marking his every move. He could only speculate as to what had brought her to this point. Weighing his options, he decided that there weren't many to choose from.

"It's ok, I'm leaving." Daniel whispered, as though even those words would be too bruising. So he returned to the team as well.

"That's strange, why doesn't she want you or Colonel O'Neill with her?" Captain Hauser questioned, they had all been observing with bated breath. For a moment, everyone was quiet in thought.

"Some goa'uld enjoy taking a more...personal approach..when they torture their victims." Teal'c suggested. Everyone appeared confused at what he meant. "Perhaps if someone whom Major Carter has not met attempted to provide aid, it may be more beneficial in this endeavor."

"I can give it a shot, I didn't start at the SGC until Major Carter was already taken." Lieutenant Rutenberg from SG-8 offered. He was a thin man, but stronger than he appeared. He was SG-8's resident scientist. No better options presenting themselves, everyone agreed to him trying.

Lt. Rutenberg walked in to the room. Shy and introverted, he could feel his heart beating loudly in his chest. Sam looked like she had not moved a muscle since positioning herself in the corner, let alone exhale any breath..

"Uh, Major Carter. You don't know me, but um….I'm with SG-8 and we are here to help." the words stumbled out unceremoniously. His nerves were evident. He knew that wouldn't help the situation. If Sam felt him being anxious and unsure, that would increase her anxiety exponentially. "I'm sure you must be hungry, we brought some MREs for you, I'm afraid they all taste like chicken though."

Rutenberg attempted a carefree chuckle, but it fell on deaf ears. Sam stared back at him just as she had stared at O'Neill and Daniel. Almost unnoticeably, her eyes shifted back and forth. Rutenberg could sense that she was thinking it over to herself.

"Give me a gun." she spoke softly, testing the waters so to speak. She pointed her head towards where Rutenberg had previously been standing. She had been watching them all standing there watching her. Rutenberg quickly stood up and left to go back to the teams.

"Give me a handgun." Lt. Rutenberg asked his CO, Colonel Rickers.

"Do you really think that's a good idea to give someone a gun who is beyond scared?" Daniel asked after no one responded to the request.

"Well, it's a trust exercise. She can either shoot me and you guys can take it from there, or I give her something to feel secure and she'll believe we are really here to help." Rutenberg spoke with more confidence than he felt. He believed what he was rationalizing but that's where the line ended.

"I hope you are right son, you got a point but honestly it could go either way." Colonel Rickers handed him the gun, hesitantly. "I'm also not going to order you to do anything like this."

"Understood Sir." Rutenberg grabbed the gun, and slowly went back to standing in front of Sam. Her eyes were glued to the gun and she started to straighten up, gripping the fabric around her body. Her legs never stopped shaking since she ran to the corner, weak from lack of use. She stretched her hand out towards Rutenberg.

With the butt of the gun pointing towards her, Rutenberg slowly edges the gun towards her reach. He swallows the nerves that had long since settled in the back of his throat. Her fingertips make contact with the cool metal and wrap around the handle. She tilts it back and forth in her hand. She holds it with a certain level of familiarity and ease, even after all of the time that's passed. Unexpectedly, she moves to release the chamber from the gun and checks to see that all the bullets are loaded. Popping it back in, she moves to take the safety off, and glances back up at Lt. Rutenberg.

"Could have shot you." Sam whispered. She clicked the safety back in place, and moved to lean against the wall.

"I was hoping you wouldn't." Rutenberg smiled genuinely and let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. "Are you ready to get out of here?"

Sam nodded but quickly wore a pained grimace on her face as she tried and failed to take a step forward. "Can't walk." she allowed herself to slide down the wall, breathing heavy from the exertion.

"Of course." Rutenberg grabbed the gun back from Sam who was handing it back. Reholstering it, he started to kneel beside her to try and help her up. She looked up at him and awkwardly crawled back to the door.

"Would you rather one of your teammates to help you up?" Rutenberg asked, making the connection quickly.

"Jack?" again she whispered, as if too much pressure would make everything disappear and shatter the hope for her salvation.

"Colonel O'Neill, yeah, sure. Give me a moment." Rutenberg stood up again. He was honestly relieved that Sam didn't want his help. He had forced down his introversion as much as possible for the day.

"Sir, she's asking for you to help her up. She's having trouble standing, said she can't walk." Rutenberg reported back to O'Neil.

"Ok, thanks Lt. Rutenberg. I appreciate it." O'Neill slapped him on the shoulder. He thanked him as though it was a personal favor the Lieutenant did for him. There was no denying the level of investment that he had in this situation. In Sam.

O'Neill knows that some part of her doesn't trust them completely. For some reason, SG-1 specifically. And while she did request his help, he still needed to proceed with caution not to make her overwhelmed or frightened more than she already was.

"Sam? Is it okay if I pick you up?"

Sam mulled over the words to herself before shyly nodded her head. This time when She looked at O'Neill, it was clearly different. She gingerly wrapped her hands around his neck, and drew he head close to his. If O'Neill wasn't doing the exact same thing, he could have sworn that she was inhaling his scent. He carefully started lifting her up in his arms and slightly shifted her to a more comfortable position.

"You're really real. You smell like you." She spoke more to herself than to anyone else. As though convincing herself that she hadn't completely lost touch of reality.

"I've got you Sam, I'm here." O'Neill promised her. He wasn't sure about what she meant as far as him smelling like himself. Was that good? What would it smell like if he wasn't who he said he was? She rested her head on his shoulder and let her eyes flutter close, savoring the warmth and security of his embrace.

"So tired Jack." O'Neill could barely make out the words.

"It's ok, rest your eyes. Let's get you back to Earth."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The trip back home was longer than anticipated, and it was taking its toll on everyone. Most notably, on Sam. O'Neill had been buzzing around her the entire time, not wanting to take his eyes off of her but wanting to give her space at the same time. He could tell she was exhausted in every imaginable way. He was surprised at his own feelings. He had fooled himself into thinking that it would be a happy reunion and everything would be right again. But if he was honest with himself, recalling his own heavily turmoiled past, this was just the beginning. Seeing that her eyes were opened, scanning the room as though she was prepared for a threat, O'Neill cautiously walked up to her.

"Mind if I sit?" he asked as quietly as though his voice alone could break her. He hated himself for that, knowing how strong she is, knowing that she is not some damsel in distress. But she is vulnerable in a way that no one dared give voice to. Even without speaking or elaborating on her experience, there's a certain air about her and the gravity of the situation that is telling. When she doesn't respond, O'Neill choses to take her lack of a negative response as permission to sit next to her.

Sam had pulled her knees up towards her chest, wrapping her frail arms around them. She was clearly closing herself off from him. Staring at him, her eyes bored into his very soul. She was unsure of his presence. It was frightening and comforting all at once. He was a memory of happier and safer times, but recently he had also become a reminder of pain and misery. Sam visibly shook her head as if trying to knock out the unwanted thoughts. Kuk had stolen her innocent memories and twisted them into something vile. He had used the images of her dearest friends and bastardized them into these heartless and insidious monsters. Somewhere inside, she knew that it was an illusion. But it was difficult to discern when it was the face of her friends who were causing her such pain and turmoil.

"Just want to keep you company. Nothing is going to happen that you don't want to ok?" O'Neill reassured her, maintaining his distance.

"I don't know what happened but I know it had to have been a doozy. I'm glad we found you. I was starting to think…..well you don't need to hear all that."

Sam gulped down a deep breath that had been building since he entered the room. Really taking time to take in his features, she saw something that strangely enough, gave her a sliver of comfort. He looked as though he had aged, through time of course, but also with the added aid of unknown stress and hardship. Back on Kuk's ship, he had always appeared to her looking much younger than he should have been.

"You're really Jack. You really found me?" Sam spoke, feeling silly and foolish right when the words left her mouth. O'Neill stared at her, surprised for a second. He was confused as to what she meant. He recalled something she said when they were back in that room.

"The one and only, in the flesh. Did that bastard make you think that I was there?"

She simply nodded her head in agreement.

"Daniel and Teal'c too?"

Another nod.

O'Neill pressed his lips together. That cleared a lot of things up. It explained why she was acting fearful of them much more so than any of SG-8 or 13. Who knows what Kuk had tried to make her believe.

"Give it time, you'll see we are who we say we are. I remember Ba'al liked playing mind games too." hesitantly, he drew his hand up to her knee. He felt her tense in response and tell that she was fighting against flinching. But her nerves won out, and she snatched her hand back.

Her face turned a bright shade of red. She looked embarrassed at her actions and unsure of herself. She had pulled her knees to her chest, in a feeble attempt to make herself seem smaller than she already was. O'Neill took note that she was weary of touch and backed off.

A yawn escaped Sam's mouth and she could feel her eyes fighting to stay open. Since they had came aboard the ship, she was insistent on staying awake. She needed to know what was happening around her. She still didn't trust it completely. Kuk had plenty of time on his hands to learn new tactics, to better hone his craft. When she closed her eyes, she went right back to being in Kuk's hold. Physically she was ready to sleep, but mentally she wasn't sure if she could handle what that would bring.

O'Neill could see the internal war being waged in her mind. He had known all too well the urge to fight sleep. If you were awake, you could at least make an effort to ignore everything that had happened.

"I promise you'll feel a little bit better if you sleep, why don't you give it a shot?"

Sam contemplated his suggestion, her eyes drifting lower at the mere mention of sleep. Letting them flutter close a few times, she finally forced herself to keep them closed.

He kept his silent virgil as she rested. The others had been keeping their distance. They weren't sure of what steps they could or should take. They were unaccustomed to this Sam that behaved so uncharacteristically. Most of the teams only knew her by reputation, which made it even more difficult to marry the reputation with the reality. It wasn't much different for those that did know her. Daniel and Teal'c they had long since mourned the loss of their friend, but of course they were thankful and grateful that somehow she was found. But even though they had been through the ringer in past missions with her, they had to acknowledge how broken she had appeared to be. And they couldn't reconcile that idea either.

But O'Neill never gave up unlike the rest of them. He held on, even to his own detriment. Perhaps that was why he seemed to be the only one able to be close with her right now. Or maybe because he was able to relate to what she had been through on some kind of level. He had vaguely mentioned his time in Iraq where he had been captured and tortured for months. Never would he elaborate when they tried to get him to open up and it was as if you could literally see the dark cloud hovering over him whenever he thought about it. His eyes would become near black and he would withdraw even further.

In the front of the ship, Daniel anxiously paced back and forth. They were expected to land back on the planet in another hour tops, and they all just wanted to get back to Earth. Teal'c patiently sat in one of the control chairs, observing Daniel's incessant walking.

"DanielJackson, if you keep walking, I fear you will cause the floor to burn."

"I feel like I have to do something, who knows what Sam has been through. We have to help her."

"When she has had some time to recover physically, that is when she can start to recover mentally and emotionally. It's going to be a long road Daniel Jackson."

"I know, she just shouldn't have to go through this. It's not right." Daniel finally stopped, and leaned against the wall crossing his arms. He looked like a pouting kid who wasn't getting his way.

But Teal'c was right. He was a man of a few words, but when he spoke, no words were wasted. They vowed to be there for Sam in every way that she would allow. She would need all of them if she were to make a full recovery.

Everyone was silent for the rest of the way to the planet. No one even bothered to attempt any small talk, consumed with their own thoughts. When the got back to the SGC, there would undoubtedly be a crowd, and the rumor mill would be spinning at full force. For the foreseeable future, Major Samantha Carter's return would be the talk of the town. No one had dreamed to think that she would be found, let alone found alive. O'Neill was the only one that had held on hope and they had all believed him to be foolish and saw how it changed it. He had retreated so far within himself, becoming something unrecognizable. He had rebuked any mention of Sam not returning, and shunned any negative remarks with the greatest passion. All his energy had been funneled in the sole act of finding her. At the end, when the President had finally ordered SGC to declare Sam MIA, O'Neill had turned into a total recluse, barely coming out to even complete simple tasks such as grocery shopping.

SInce they had found her, O'Neill had been inseparable from her. Even when she appeared fearful of him, he gave her space, but had refused to leave from within eyesight of her. He needed to see her to actually believe that her presence wasn't imagined. No one could give reason yet as to why she seemed apprehensive towards her old team members, but it was unsettling.

"Someone wanna go tell them that we're here?" Captain Hauser questioned. He was looking at either Daniel or Teal'c, not so subtly directing his question to them.

"Uh, yeah sure." Daniel volunteered. Slowly, he made his way to the holding area where they had retired to at the start of their trip back. Peering inside, he noticed Sam was sleeping with O'Neil sitting across from her keeping a steady virgil. He eased his way in and sat next to him.

"How has she been?" Daniel whispered.

"Quiet. Hasn't done much talking. She's been resting for a while, though I don't know how much sleep she's really doing." O'Neill never took his eyes off of her.

"Time to go?"

"Yeah, we just landed."

"I wish I could get her without waking her up. Who knows when she's last rested."

"But imagine her waking up in a different place, that would be startling to someone who hasn't been through anything she has."

O'Neill nodded solemnly. Taking a deep breath, he got up and carefully walked to her side. He didn't want to touch her or do anything that would cause her to jump. He tried calling out her name. He saw her eyes fluttering but not yet opening.

"Sam, you gotta wake up Sam." he spoke a little louder this time. He was met with her opening up her eyes a sliver. Seeing him peering over her, she instantly shot up and scooted back. Her face scrunched up in pain at the sudden movement and she let her body slouch against the corner.

"It's ok, sorry I didn't mean to startle you. But it's time to go." O'Neill stayed where he was, not wanting to appear demanding or domineering over her. She finally took note of Daniel who was standing by the door, observing.

"Uh, hey Sam."

She smiled shyly and quickly turned her head down suddenly finding her feet the most interesting thing in the room. She had always felt so comfortable with Daniel in the past. They were like kindred spirits. But at that moment, she felt vulnerable and exposed. She didn't feel normal and she didn't know what Daniel saw when he looked at her. More importantly, she couldn't handle the memories that flooded her mind when she saw Daniel.

"Why don't you go tell everyone that we're coming out now Daniel?" O'Neill suggested, he could feel Sam's nerves radiating off of her in waves.

"That's Danny for you, the great linguist who doesn't know what to say to his friend." O'Neill tried to joke. She just shrugged her shoulder, unable or unwilling to say anything in response.

"Come on, the quicker we get back to Earth, the quicker we can get you more comfortable. Is it alright if I pick you up again?"

"I wish I could walk." Sam mumbled, more to herself than anything else. O'Neill heard and he understood the sentiment.

"You will."


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

 _-Warning: Vague mention towards the end of rape. Very implicit, non-descriptive. But still, you could probably skip the last paragraph or two if you don't want to read.-_

Going through the Stargate is a surreal moment. It seemed like a distant memory to be back in the disembarkation room. Various SFs standing guard prepare to help take the weapons and gear everyone is holding. It's dark almost to the point of blindness in contrast to leaving the sunny planet moments before. General Hammond stands at the end of the ramp, his anxiety showing uncharacteristically. The three SG teams had come through before O'Neill who was carrying Sam through the gate. Her head was tucked into his neck, shielding herself from any onlookers.

"Welcome back SG-1, SG-8 and SG-13. Glad to see that things were a success. I have to say that you are definitely a sight for sore eyes Major Carter."

 _Major Carter. That is a peculiar name for a woman such as yourself. And you have a third name, Samantha, for what purpose does this serve?_

"Major, you hear me?" General Hammond probed for a response. Sam blinked her eyes definitely, trying to blink away the intruding memory.

"Yeah, sorry I uh...my mind was wondering I guess."

"It's been a long trip General, gonna take Sam to the infirmary." O'Neill was looking intently at Sam, causing her to blush inadvertently. He guided her past the General and continued down the ramp.

"What was that?" he whispered in Sam's ear so that no one else could hear.

"Just a memory."

"A flashback. I'm familiar with those. Well hopefully Janet will let you get some undisturbed rest after checking you out."

Sam gritted her teeth and burrowed her head back in towards Jack. She doubted she would be able to get any undisturbed rest. She just wanted everything to disappear. She wanted to be alone yet she wanted Jack to be with her at all times. Everything was cloudy and confusing like a storm in Sam's brain.

The cold sheets of the infirmary bed snap Sam out of her mental prison that she had retreated to. Looking at Jack who stood awkwardly at her bedside, she could see he was contemplating whether or not to give her privacy.

But when a nurse that was unfamiliar to Sam walked to her other bedside, Sam instantly drew closer to O'Neill. She dared to shoot her hand forward in a desperate attempt to grab his arm.

"Stay?" Sam pleaded, nervous and skittish.

"Of course, wild horses Sam," he smiled at Sam. "Can you go get Dr. Frazier for us son? She would want to see Sam as soon as possible."

The guy stepped back and looked between Sam and O'Neill. He didn't look as though he bought the reasoning for him leaving, but he simply agreed and left.

"Sorry about that, I…." she trailed off and let his arm slip out of her hold.

"You don't have to apologize Sam."

Sam didn't know why exactly she was apologizing for. But she also didn't know what else to say. She felt she should be acting different. Like she shouldn't be this affected. She was supposed to be strong, be the soldier she was trained to be.

"After all these years, I can't believe you are really here!" Janet came bustling around the corner, clipboard in hand. She stops just short of hugging Sam, able to catch herself before it was too late. When she does and really takes a long look at Sam, her mouth drops open almost imperceptible.

"Hi." Again Sam's mind travelled back in time. She recalled the first bout of her torture sessions with Kuk. He had broken her ankle and then her forearm. He started with small injuries but had worked his way up into a twisted grand finale. Wishing for Janet's presence had been a regular occurrence.

"Oh honey, we're going to patch you back up." Janet cautiously grabbed Sam's free hand and gave a gentle squeeze.

Unconsciously, Sam snatched her hand out of Janet's grasp just as she had done to O'Neill, and instantly she felt like a monster when she saw a look of hurt enter Janet's eye. "Sorry, I didn't mean…."

"No, I wasn't thinking, I shouldn't have done that." Janet recovered, and smiled. She seemed genuine enough about it. Sam knew she understood, but she still felt guilty about doing it in the first place. Janet went on to explain everything she was about to do before touching Sam further. She gave Sam a chance to mentally prepare myself for whatever prodding she planned.

She began with the standard post-mission follow up. Janet took Sam's blood pressure and measured her temperature. With a click of a button, the bed registered Sam's weight. Once the machine beeped, Janet inadvertently gasped in clear surprise.

"Sam, you are barely over 100 pounds! When was the last time you ate something?"

Sam was quiet, thinking about the last time. It took some effort to recall, Kuk had began withholding food from her at the end. Before that, she had began refusing the thick oatmeal like sludge that Kuk's jaffa would sling to her. She was trying to keep her strength up by forcing the food down, but over time, she began losing interest in even trying as it appeared evident that she would never make it back.

"I don't know...a while?"

"Well let's get some fluids in you . I'm afraid we are going to have to work up to solids slowly to see how you'll respond." Janet spoke in soft, gently tones.

Sam shrugged with indifference. To be honest, she hadn't even thought of food until the question was posed by Janet. Her body had grown accustomed to not receiving any sustenance and as a result, had began consuming itself.

Janet motioned to a nurse behind her and requested the IV bag and needle. The nurse left to gather the items. Janet needed to do a more thorough exam on Sam, one that she wasn't looking forward to knowing how intrusive it was to anyone in a normal situation. She was admittedly dragging her feet by prepping the IV first. She looked at O'Neill who was standing guard over Sam, refusing to budge. She suspected that Sam would want privacy for the rest of her exam.

"I have to do a full body exam Sam, but is there anywhere that you know you are injured?"

"Um…" Sam mumbled, struggling to express everything that she was feeling. Her eyes shifted from Janet to O'Neill quickly. As if answering a que, O'Neill stepped in.

"She was having trouble walking on her own, I don't know if her legs are hurting or if she was just really weak. I did a cursory scan when we first found her and couldn't find any open wounds or anything like that."

"There is something….else." Sam suddenly turned beet red, her eyes casted downwards.

"You want Jack to leave so you can tell me?" Janet suggested. Biting her lip, Sam nodded, still looking down.

"Ok, well Colonel, do you mind giving us ladies a second?" Janet asked. He looked like he wanted to object and run at the same time.

"Sure, I'm gonna go grab a coffee. If you need me, I'll be back as soon as possible. Just ask Janet ok?" O'Neill looked at Sam, wanting to squeeze her had in reassurance, but he settled for a smile.

Sam risked a quick glance at him. She felt a small sense of calm wash over her. She couldn't help but feel comfort at the familiarity and concern that he was showing her. She smiled slightly, before coming back to the impending task.

"So now that it's just us girls. What's going on?"

"I uh. I really don't want to say." Sam muttered. Janet could see that she was struggling with the situation, and she could emphasize to some degree. She never saw Sam look so vulnerable before. Even those times where she did come back from a mission clearly injured, she didn't seem so broken.

"I know you were gone for a long time. You must have been through a lot of difficult things." Janet led the conversation. She knew what had happened, and knew it was a delicate situation. She remembers talking about it in the past with Sam, when she was first starting out at SGC. Sam knew it was a strong possibility for women in this line of work, she even expected it. But the actual event coming to pass was not something one could easily prepare for.

"Yeah." Sam opened her mouth, trying to elaborate but she couldn't quite bring herself to say the words.

"When was the last time it happened?"

"I don't know. It was….too many times. Um...just before they found me?" Sam said the first sentence since her rescue. As jumbled as it was. Her voice was dry and sore from lack of use. She coughed to clear her throat, causing her to wince again in pain.

"That's ok, that's understandable. Here, try and sip some water, slowly though." Janet carefully lifted a cup of water to Sam. She inched her hand closer and closer to the cup until she managed to grab it.

"Now, if you had to guess, how many times?"

"More than 20 times probably. Different men, they'd um...they took turns." Sam swallowed hard. She could feel herself starting to lose focus on the conversation, even on where she was. All of a sudden it was as if she was back on Kuk's planet. She could feel the abrasive material of the makeshift bed that she had been carelessly thrown on. The room had a heavy, rancid smell that was suffocating. One of the Jaffa rolled off of Sam unceremoniously with a deep grunt.

"Sam! Sam!" Janet called out. She shook the bed, not wanting to risk startling her as she was clearly checked out of reality. The movement bringing her back to the present, Sam blinked her eyes trying to refocus on Janet and recover from where her mind took her to.

"He's here!" Sam screamed out, and she half-heartedly tried to climb out of the bed. But she was too weak to make it far and she took note of Janet calling to her again.

"No one is here Sam. It's just me and you." she reassured Sam as best as possible.

"Before I do your exam, I want to give you a small sedative to help you relax. Is that ok?"

"NO!" Sam shouted unexpectedly. She thought back to the injections that Kuk had used on her. She wanted this to be over, but she needed to be in control for once.

"Ok, it's alright. Just want you to be as comfortable as possible. Now, just lay back and we'll get started."


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I am trying to make this story as original as possible without being farfetched. So apologies if this sounds like every other SG-1 fanfic just pieced together. But at least the writing is good….*shrug*

 **Chapter 14**

After the exam, Sam felt drained. It was very exhausting, trying to hold it together but close to falling apart all at once. She felt violated all over again. Even though it was purely medical, her mind's eye saw nothing but Kuk and his Jaffa. There were laughing freely, enjoying themselves at her expense. She probably should have taken the sedative Janet offered, but she couldn't allow herself to be disoriented and lose the tenuous grasp on control that she had left. Janet spoke to her about every step before and during each moment. Sam couldn't wait until she could have a moment to herself, it had been months and months since she had seen so many people. With each new nurse that came by, a heightened sense of fear followed.

"Alright, we're finished Sam, you did great!. I need to make a few notes, and would you like me to get Colonel O'Neill back in here?" Janet smiled, she forced herself to sound cheerful, but her face betrayed her. Blinking helped keep unfallen tears at bay. She swallowed hard, and took a deep breath. Sam didn't need her sadness, she had enough to carry for a lifetime.

Janet was met with a moment longer of silence before Sam nodded somewhat hesitantly. She risked squeezing her hand, and a ghost of a smile graced Sam's face.

"What about Daniel or Teal'c?" Janet asked, noticing she made no mention of her former teammates.

She shook her head. She wasn't ready for more than just Jack at the moment, even though she knew that she could trust Daniel or Teal'c, it was just too many different men, too many emotions to have to contend with.

Jack sat alone at one of the commissary tables. His coffee had long since turned cold, and the chocolate cake he chose was all but forgotten. Daniel and Teal'c were at the table with him, but no one had uttered a word yet. The world felt as though it stopped spinning. They had all dreamed of the day that they found Sam. But they never dreamed of anything after. Finally, the sacred silence was broken.

"Do you think she will be able to recover?" Daniel dared give voice to what they were all wondering.

"Honestly? I don't know." O'Neill's voice was heavy with defeat.

"Major Carter is a formidable warrier. She will recover and return victorious." Teal'c spoke with great conviction.

"Yeah, she's strong. But she's also human T. Three years is a long time." O'Neill's voice was getting think with emotion. He coughed, trying to clear it from his voice. He could only imagine what Sam had been through. The short time since they had found her, spoke volumes. He was never one to discount her strength. He recalled a lot of times throughout the years, where she was stronger than the best of them. But everyone has their breaking point.

"Then it will just take longer for her to recover."

"And we all will be there for her every step of the way." Daniel sounded as though he was on the edge of tears himself. He felt guilt tapping away at him. Ever since they had found Sam, he was kind of relieved that she seemed weary of him. He was unsure of how to act around her, he was ashamed to admit it, but he didn't want to say or do anything that would upset her. And the easiest way to do that was to stay away from her.

The had been sitting at that table for the past hour or so, waiting for Sam's exam to be over. It felt longer than it had been. But Janet finally came through, scanning the room for the three of them. Locking eyes with Colonel O'Neill, she paused, and tried to brace herself for the flood of questions that was guaranteed to follow.

"Janet, how is she? Can I...I mean, can we see her?" O'Neill's words tumbled out rapidly.

"She's as you can probably expect." A non answer.

They all began rising up only for Janet to halt them. "Sorry guys, but she's only asking for the Colonel right now."

Daniel and Teal'c sunk down in their seats. They understood the request, but they were still disappointed. Daniel felt as though he needed to make up for his previous cowardice towards her, but that would have to wait. Nothing that Sam didn't want to happen would if he had any control over it.

Walking solemnly down the hall with Janet, O'Neill's mind automatically went to different scenarios of what had happened to Sam. He needed to know how bad it was if he had any chance of helping her.

"The exam?" O'Neill implored Janet. He knew there was doctor-patient confidentiality, and he knew that trust was in short supply for Sam. But he needed help in what direction he should go.

"Cursory glance, she seems fairly ok considering. She is malnourished, causing her to be weak. I think that is largely why she has been unable to walk. No broken bones, not even any infection. But, and I feel like she should tell you what she wants you to know." Janet paused, looking at O'Neill.

"Of course, I totally agree."

"But there was an...extensive amount of...internal damage. It's going to take some time for her to recover." She managed to say enough to make the situation clear. O'Neill broke her gaze, unable to breath for a moment.

"So...give her some space, let her take the lead. I'll give you a little while but she needs her rest." Janet told him before they stepped into the infirmary.

Sam laid straight up on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling in front of her. She appeared deep in thought, not seeing anyone enter the room at first. 

"Hey, there. Heard they finally are letting you breathe." O'Neill spoke, attempting to speak with a lighthearted tone. She continued to look straight ahead, not yet acknowledging him being there. Her head eventually bowed O'Neill could see her eyes shyly shifting towards him. He knew despite the lack of verbal response that she was listening at the very least.

"It's going to be an adjustment period I know. Hopefully they can get you out of here soon. It's like exchanging an alien prison for a regular one."

Her silence was unnerving. He already wasn't too much of an expert on communication on a good day, but he was determined to try and do the best he could. She deserved much more than that. He recalls past experiences of people being captured saying different tactics that were used to break them. Maybe this was the result of that? Maybe her captor had beat her into submission, ergo the silence. Or maybe it was some kind of protective mechanism, and she had burrowed herself into a deep, internal cocoon. Was she still questioning the reality of everything? Afraid that if she spoke,it would burst the bubble to reveal she was still in the hold of Kuk?

"What do you want me to say?" Sam muttered. She noticed that he seemed to stare at her, waiting for something to happen. She sounded as small and as fragile as she looked.

"You don't have to do or say anything you don't want to say Sam. You remember me telling you that?"

"MMhmm. I should say something. Major Carter would." She admitted. And for a moment, O'Neill was stumped. She spoke in third person, almost reminiscent of a Goa'uld speaking of it's host. But he knew she wasn't compromised. Then it dawned on him as though a light switch turned on. She emphasized the title 'Major' like she was distancing herself from it.

"You're still that person Sam."

"You called me Sam." she called him out. He closed his eyes, not even realizing how he had just instinctually referred to her since they found her. Of course she would connect the dots. She was an astrophysicist for crying out loud.

"Maybe not out loud or directly to you, but that's how I always thought of you." he attempted to recover. But it was true. He didn't allow himself to think of her that way often, as just Sam, but at his weak moments, he let each letter of her name roll around his tongue like an intricate dessert.

She didn't offer anything more than a shrug in response. He would take whatever he could get from her at this stage.

"You mind if I sit with you for a little while?" he asked, still needing to be near her and not wanting to impose. Gratefully, he sat down when she agreed.

An hour had passed. And O'Neill had took the liberty to fill Sam in on the current state of their union. He mentioned all of the inane tactics that some of the new members had gotten up to. He recalled the latest "accidents" that happened in the labs, fondly reiterating the time that Felger had set a laptop on fire when he was figuring out some doohickey. The conversation was one sided, but he had kept it light and airy. The subject matter was far from important, he just needed to keep her mind preoccupied. He noticed her crack a sliver of a smile from time to time. He counted that as a win, even though it never reached her eyes. Knowing how the powers that be are, O'Neill knew that soon they would insist on Sam telling her dark tale of the past 3 years. He could speak for the both of them when he said he wasn't looking forward to that. But as hard as he tried, he lost himself in her presence. He stared, he could feel his gaze glued to her form and he knew it was too much. Too much, too soon, and too long. But he selfishly needed to burn every inch of her into his memory. He needed to remember every curve, every strand of hair, every inch of her.

And she noticed the intensity of his presence at that moment. He noticed her entire body tensing, as though preparing to fight or fly away. Her hands became tightly bounded fists, and her breathing became quick and shallow. At that moment, Janet entered the infirmary, true to her word.

"Everything ok in here?" She felt the electric-tinged air.

"Yeah, um. I'm going to go get some air I think. Get some rest Sam." O'Neill coughed the emotion out. She nodded but still remained tense. He left, truly needing air at that moment.


	15. Chapter 15

**Here's another chapter. Will post another chapter as soon as I'm finished with the chapter I'm working on now. Remember...patience is a virtue. lol**

 **Chapter 15**

Sam continued to struggle with sleeping on her own, barely able to rest at ease after O'Neill left. Janet tried everything she could think of to encourage a light sedative for her, but she adamantly refused. She looked at the end of her ropes, but she was still fighting to stay in control. Sam's eyes would dart around the room frequently, scanning for some unexpected danger could happen at any given moment. Janet tried to ignore the behavior and offer as much normalcy for Sam as possible. But Sam's grasp of what construed as normal anymore was very strained and contorted.

Sam's blood results did come back. They were clean for the most part, but Janet noted some abnormalities that she couldn't quite place. To be on the safe side, she had started Sam on a routine regimen of antibiotics that were relatively harmless in low doses, but would be effective enough to prevent what might grow into an infection. She also ran some more extensive blood tests for confirmation.

"I want to let the antibiotics run their course and observe you for a couple more days, but after that I don't see why we can't talk about you getting out of here." Janet smiled at Sam. She made a mental note to sweep through her house and try and air it out and prepare it for life again. None of them had the heart to sell Sam's house, so they had kept. Every so often they would visit the house and just reminisce about the good times they had all had in that house. Hopefully in the not too distant future, they could create some new memories there.

Since Sam had been back, she hadn't said much more than she absolutely had to. Besides letting you know what she didn't want, information wasn't freely offered. It would be an understatement to say that Janet was anxious about everything that had happened. But she knew better than to push. Checking over Sam's vitals one more time, she closed the curtain around her bed to give her some privacy before leaving.

"Janet?" the sound was so faint, Janet questioned if she really heard her name being called. Turning back towards the bed, she pulled the curtain back again.

"Did you say my name?"

Sam nodded. She looked as though she wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not.

"What's wrong?" Janet asked, she was hopeful and waited on every breath she heard Sam take.

"Thank you." Sam spoke with her mouth, but she said much more with her eyes. And Janet knew that she was thanking her for much more than she felt she should take credit for. But she also knew how much it took for Sam to say those words. She still didn't seem to trust her surroundings all that much.

"We are all here for you Sam. Welcome home." Janet smiled and left to let her rest.

One way or another, they had all found their way at the gate entrance of the mountain, O'Neil, Daniel, Teal'c and even Janet. With the past few days, they needed some air.

"I remember thinking that this was going to be the easy part ya know? We'd find her and have this big celebration." Daniel broke the companionable silence.

"And the world was supposed to start turning again. But here it is, still standing still." O'Neill muttered. He was never one for speaking metaphorically, but he had a lot of time to become more introspective.

"We all must remain strong in Major Carter's time of need."

They all agreed with no hesitation. There was no time for their comparatively inconsequential feelings. Their teammate, their family was possibly irreparably damaged and would need each of them in different ways. O'Neill was still very much in his head. They could all see how fixated he was on Sam. She was always important to him, his tether to the world. But he no longer tried to keep up appearances.

"I'm going to try and let her go home in a couple of days, but I don't think she should be alone completely just yet." Janet spoke to the group, but more so directing it to O'Neill. "I don't think she would be comfortable with anyone there really, considering, but I think she could deal with you the best Sir."

"Yeah, I think you're right Janet. She acted like she didn't know if she could trust Teal'c or myself. She acted kind of like that towards Jack, but it was somehow still different." Daniel knew the difference, and he was sure they were all aware without it being said. Daniel felt somewhat bothered by it if he was being honest. They had all been closer than just a simple team. They were family, and Sam was his sister. But if he was being mature about it, he could relate to Sam finding a level of safety in Jack. That same dynamic flowed easily through Sha're and him long ago.

"I believe I know why Major Carter behaved as though she was frightened of us. I would need her to confirm, but I noticed a familiar looking vial that I've seen system lords use in the past." Teal'c broke his silence. He was characteristically quiet, but those who knew him could see the inner turmoil of Sam's condition. He respected and cherished his relationship with Sam and it was hard for him to try and come to terms with losing that. Teal'c was a creature of logic, and just like Sam he had to try and reason everything away.

"Most of the Goa'ulds chose not to use the substance because it makes the victim too unstable. They would not be able to provide any useful information due to the drug making them hallucinate so severely."

"So why would Kuk use that on her?" Daniel interjected.

"For entertainment, that is the sole value of that drug. It allows the hallucinations to be controlled to an extent."

"So who knows what Kuk made her believe."

"Yeah but I bet he probably made her think we turned against her. That's the only explanation." O'Neill spat out. He felt his anger rising the longer he thought about it. He wished he could hunt down Kuk and kill him with his bare hands. He deserved no less. The more he thought about it, the hotter he felt. If they weren't all outside already, he would have gone. He needed to cool down, for Sam at least. His anger wouldn't make anything better. It felt like an eternity since he left the infirmary. Checking his watch, it had in fact, been barely an hour since he had last seen her. Sam probably needed space, but that was something he had more than enough of from her.

"Well, did she say anything else to you when you were doing the exam?" Daniel changed the subject. Sam had barely acknowledged anyone since her return, but perhaps a female would have garnered a better result.

"It was almost as if she was trying to disappear within herself. She didn't say a word the entire time except to thank me. But it wasn't a thank you like if someone did something kind for you."

"It was like she was thanking you for not hurting her." O'Neill added for Janet. At some point in torture, you become so far gone, that you don't look for any escape. All you hope for is a reprieve from the fairly constant pain that had become all consuming. So a moment where she was not in pain, was a precious gift to Sam.

Janet nodded slowly. There were so many different things that had to be worked through, it was a daunting thought, the future. They each tried to find ways to hold on to the fact that they never thought Sam would have any kind of future to speak of.

"We should all try and get some rest. Sam's going to need all of us to be at tip top shape when she gets out." Janet stood and dusted herself off. They would all try to rest, but they were sure that sleep would escape them.

It was finally nighttime when a nurse came to wake Janet up. She managed to fall asleep but she was tossing and turning. Her mind had managed to concoct a few different scenarios, all equally terrifying. Wiping the sleep from her eyes, Janet saw the nurse had some lab work in her hand.

"Hey, are those Sam's test results back?"

"Yeah, we went ahead and ran them a couple of times just for confirmation. Also uh, Sam is awake. I'm going to go see if everything is alright before I end my shift." the nurse seemed anxious to leave. And as soon as Janet grabbed the tests from her, she left. As soon as she saw the test results, she learned why the nurse was so anxious. It was as though the universe would not give Sam any breaks.

Janet racked her brain, she knew she would have to tell Sam about this. But how and when? Could she take hearing this news? As of yet, she was wary to let anyone close to her, barely allowing the Colonel close. But this was devastating. And what made matters worse, she couldn't turn to anyone for help or suggestions because of doctor-patient confidentiality. Sucking in a long, deep breath, she got up and headed to the infirmary.


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: I told myself I wasn't going to do anymore author notes….but here we are. Hurricane Michael happened last week so I was without a computer for a week. Now without further ado….(did you know "adieu" is french for farewell? "ado" means fuss.)**

 **Chapter 16**

"Colonel?" Janet asked surprised to see him at Sam's bedside. Sam was thankfully asleep finally. For the longest time, she would stare blankly ahead of her, as though she was attempting to block out her surroundings and her new reality. A coping mechanism of sorts, however unhealthy it probably was.

"I convinced her to close her eyes I think. She still hasn't said anything to me, still seems tense as ever, but she accepted my presence next to her." O'Neill whispered.

"That's good. Baby steps." Janet winced automatically. She sighed slightly in relief. With Sam asleep, that bought her a little bit of time before she had to tell Sam what they had found out. Folding the paper that she had been clinging to, O'Neill suddenly took notice.

"Whadaya got there?"

"Oh um, just some test results. I was going to talk to Sam about it, but uh it can wait. She needs to sleep." Janet could tell that O'Neill wanted to ask more questions. But he knew better.

"Every now and then I see her flinching in her sleep. She's remembering. I'm just expecting her to jolt awake any minute now."

"Hopefully she's too exhausted for whatever she's thinking to do so." Janet was willing to give Sam something to help her sleep, but she had been strongly opposed to having anything that would prevent her from sleeping naturally. Whatever had happened on that planet, it would leave a lasting mark on Sam.

As if on cue, Sam began to stir, tossing and turning. Her face scrunched up and all of a sudden, she shot up and started hyperventilating.

"Whoa, it's ok Sam. You're awake now." O'Neill tried to calm her down with his voice alone. He was careful not to touch her, unsure of how she would react. Wide eyed and hyper-alert, she looked all around the room before she took notice of Colonel O'Neill or Janet. She stopped on O'Neill, looking and thinking. She was assessing the situation, making a decision on how to react. Sam rubbed the cotton bedsheets that were standard to the infirmary. That contrast of the sheets is what verified that she was really safe. In her time with Kuk, he had favored some kind of silk material.

"I fell asleep." Sam muttered, sounding annoyed that she did so.

"It is night time, the time for sleep." O'Neill tried to remain lighthearted.

"Were you guys watching me?" Sam asked. She frowned at that, uncomfortable with any kind of attention. She just wanted to be left alone. But she also wanted to know that she was safe finally. She didn't know what she really wanted. Before either of them could answer, Sam saw a folded slip of paper in Janet's hands. Thinking that must be the explanation for Janet's presence at least, Sam spoke again. "What's that?"

"Oh, um...this is just…" Janet stumbled and paused to look at O'Neill. As much as she didn't want to tell Sam alone, thinking she needed someone with her at the time of disclosure, she knew she had to tell Sam what was going on privately. Still intuitive as ever, Sam caught on to the hesitation.

"You can tell me, he's probably going to find out anyway." Sam reasoned. She knew she was going to have to deal with reality eventually. She had tried to shut it out as much as possible, refusing to speak. She knew everyone wanted to talk about how she was feeling. But she didn't know the answer to that herself. All she knew was that it wasn't good.

"I'm so sorry Sam. I ran these tests a couple of times to be sure….but um…." Janet paused, she was stumbling and tripping over her words.

"Janet, I don't think you're making it any better, just say it." O'Neill blurted out. He had always been impatient, and he could sense the anxiety rolling off of Sam.

"Right. Well, you're pregnant Sam. HCG levels are high so it looks like you are about a week away from four months pregnant."

Sam's mouth dropped inadvertently. She had braced herself and expected some kind of alien STD and that was bad enough. She wasn't expecting that discovery for a few reasons. Per standard protocol, she had been on a long acting birth control injection since she had begun going through the gate. In combination with that and all the physical trauma her body has been through, Sam and Janet had discussed the improbability of her being able to conceive naturally. So her brain did not even factor in the possibility of this. That news was like the proverbial straw on the camel's back. She could no longer contain her emotions and the carefully constructed wall began to crumble as a sole tear slid down her face.

She felt as though the air in the room suddenly left. She tried to take gulps of air. Sam's eyes were wide open and she turned to O'Neill for the first time on her own. She reached out and grabbed the sleeve of his arm. Taking his cue, O'Neill mindfully wrapped his arms around her, engulfing her in a hug. It was the most contact she had allowed yet.

"Is this real?" her voice, reminiscent of a child's, quivered through tears that were flowing freely at that point.

O'Neill closed his eyes, trying to gather up his strength. She couldn't see him falter, she needed him more than ever. He never heard Sam sound so small and so broken. It crushed him and made him enraged thinking how she got to that point.

"It's real, but I'm here and we're gonna get through this."

"I know this is a lot Sam, but we don't have much time if you choose to…" Janet trailed off. Sam turned her head away from Jack and peeked towards her.

"How long?" Sam caught on to where she was going.

"A week, maybe two tops."

"Ok. I just need to rest. Can he stay?" Sam asked still holding on the O'Neill. She felt like he was her only lifeline for the moment. His presence keeping her sanity glued together.

"Of course. Let me know if you need anything." Janet told her before leaving them alone. Sam could tell that she was trying not to be overbearing with her concern.

"How am I supposed to have a kid? Like this?" Sam was still crying. Her words were barely audible.

"We don't have to figure it out today Sam, you still have a little time."

Sam turned back into his embrace, she felt herself growing weary the longer she thought about the situation. She was surprised at his use of the word "we" but it comforted her to know that she wasn't alone. She wasn't sure of much, but she believed that O'Neill meant what he told her.

"I want to lay down...but can you hold me?" Sam asked him, her cheeks turned a bright red. That vulnerability also hurt O'Neill. Sam never would have asked him that. Being honest with himself, he had always dreamt about holding her, but the circumstances were vastly different.

"Always." He never meant what he said more than in that moment. As he held her, he could still hear her crying. Oddly he was relieved that she was showing some sign of reaction. Better out than in they say. They were all worried about her being completely catatonic and numb.

The road to recovery was just beginning.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

A week had passed since Janet broke the news to Sam about the pregnancy. O'Neill felt as though they were on a rollercoaster of emotions the entire time. She would go from crying to catatonic to irritable at the flick of a switch. She still hasn't spoken much either way verbally. She needed to talk to someone, but he would be the last person to suggest that. How hypocritical would that be? Try as he might, he knew he was struggling with how to best help her.

Janet released her from the infirmary three days prior, and had allowed Sam to go home as long as she wasn't alone. Janet also planned on a check up a week later. Hoping at that time, it would be a better time to discuss pregnancy options. Not that it would be easier. But perhaps that would allow Sam to consider things better.

Daniel and Teal'c continued to be cautious in their concern, remembering how their presence was originally triggering to Sam. O'Neill was her safety net it seemed, and as long as he was with her, she was able to tolerate being around other people. That fact in itself was a sore spot for Sam. She shouldn't have been fearful of being alone with any of them or other SGC members for that matter.

They still weren't sure as to the exact reasoning behind her fear and their connection to it. All they had were Teal'c's suspicions of altered hallucinations. But they didn't think this was the time to dig for answers. They wanted everything to be as much on Sam's terms as possible.

Sam was sitting on her couch for the first time in almost three years. O'Neill was preparing them something light to eat. She had instructions to take care with diving back into her normal diet prior to Kuk. Janet explained how her stomach had to re-adapt to things. When he returned with the food, he paused for a moment, noting how small she looked nestled into the corner of the sofa. Secretly, he had come by her place on several occasions, sitting in that very spot. Just the familiarity and the knowledge that she had been there before provided a small sense of comfort to him. Unbeknownst to him, each SG-1 member had done the same thing on their own throughout Sam's absence.

She was staring outside the window to her backyard. One thing that had eased her mind was being able to see the sky and nature. It confirmed that she was really on Earth. Kuk hadn't thought to recreate or cause any hallucinations in different settings outside his lair.

"Hungry?" O'Neill broke the silence.

"Not really. But Janet wants me to eat."

"What do you want to do? Maybe you could try to eat a little later?"

Sam smiled at him freely. She felt that he was conscientiously trying to give her as much autonomy as possible. And that was possibly the only reason why she felt so comfortable with him. Because she knew he was coming from a place of understanding. Sam knew that Teal'c and Daniel cared. But she also knew that they weren't really sure of how to act around her. And that just served as a reminder of what she had just escaped. She felt herself becoming angry at the reason for their behavior. Taking a deep breath in, she managed to bring herself back to the present situation.

"Yeah, but I'm not just eating for myself anymore right?" Sam acknowledged her pregnancy for the first time that week. She took the half of turkey sandwich O'Neill carried. Taking a nibble, she forced herself to smile.

"Only if you want to." O'Neill repeated his earlier sentiments. He had always been all about kids, with the mindset that every child is a blessing. But he had always stood with it being the woman's decision. It was her body after all. And this was an extraordinary circumstance.

"It's this or nothing." She said. Straightening out her body, she turned the tv on to drown out the silence. O'Neill connected the dots and knew she meant that her chances of conceiving again in the future were slim to none. Not only taking Janet's earlier comments into consideration about her physical state, but just knowing all the events that Sam has been through since the SGC started was enough. So unfortunately it was probably this or nothing just like Sam said. O'Neill always thought she would be a wonderful mother, but he wishes that it was under different circumstances.

"Again, if you don't want to be, you'll never have to do this alone ever." O'Neill felt like he just kept saying the same words to her over and over. But he needed her to know he really meant that. She would have to have him physically removed from her side to get rid of him.

"I refuse to cry again. Can we talk about something else. Or better yet just watch tv?" Sam attempted to half-heartedly laugh. Her eyes were still puffy and it had gotten to the point where she didn't even try to hide it. Even as she spoke, she could feel her eyes watering up. She hated feeling so weak and powerless, even in her own home. Traitorous tears slid down her cheeks. O'Neill saw her carefully constructed wall crumbling with each passing second. Without giving it a second thought, he pulled her into a hug, wrapping both of his arms around her.

For a second it felt safe. For a second it felt like home. And for a second Sam thought she would be alright. But the second passed. She felt rough, calloused hands gripping for control. She felt skin tearing. She felt trapped. Wiggling her arms, thrashing wildly, a scream escaped Sam's throat.

"NO!" Sam darted to a distant corner of the living room. Looking all around, frantic for a solution, she found none. Drawing her legs to her chest, she braced herself to accept whatever punishment he saw fit to give her.

O'Neill was stunned. He wasn't shocked, he realized he was pushing too much. But he felt powerless and tried to comfort her the best way he thought he could. He was relieved at first, feeling her relax into his embrace. But no quicker had she done so, did she tense back up and cry out for dear life. She was huddled in the corner like a scared child. She had looked at him with confusion and fear, like she didn't even know who he was. His mind flashed back to the room they had found Sam in. And for all intents and purposes, she may as well have never left.

"Sam, it's ok. No one is going to hurt you. It's just us here." O'Neill held up his hands to show her. The best act of surrender he could offer at the moment. She needed to feel as though the ball was in her court, that she was in complete control. She looked at his hands but would not budge. Then O'Neill's cellphone rang, piercing the tense moment. O'Neill refused to take his eyes off of Sam, willing her to believe that he wasn't going to cause her any harm.

Another moment of contemplation. Another ring. Sam blinked long and hard. She gritted her teeth and shook her head as another tear escaped. Slowly and still cautiously, she unwrapped her arms from her knees and ran her hand over her face. She turned towards the window, looking out of it wordlessly.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"Can I sit down with you?" O'Neill asked, making sure to leave her a wide enough gap between them. She nodded and he eased himself down, sure not to make any sudden movements. He stared out of the window with her, looking at the leaves gently rustling in the wind.

"I thought I could just tell myself what was real and it would be ok."

"You were gone for a long time Sam. You'll be ok, it's just going to take time."

"He made me think it was you. Daniel and Teal'C too." Sam stole a glance at O'Neill, trying to gauge his reaction. True to himself, he was stoic as ever despite breaking into a million pieces upon hearing her confirm his worst suspicions.

"I kept saying to myself that it wasn't real. That you would never hurt me, that you weren't even there. But the longer he tried, the harder it was. It felt like your hands, it sounded like your voice. I remember wishing for him to torture me. Begging even. The pain of him breaking my bones, was nothing compared to him making me believe you were…" Sam stopped short of confessing what had happened. They both looked forward, fixated on the trees. Holding onto the tranquility like an anchor.

And that revelation was O'Neill's worst nightmare imagined. He would sooner cut off his own hand, before hurting Sam. To know that Kuk used her family to break her spirit was worst part of it was that there wasn't very much he or Daniel or Teal'c could do to change that, simply because of their faces. He made a mental note, vowing to find Kuk to ensure he got what he deserved.

"At first, I tried to be ok with it. I tried to imagine that it was just us. But he was so cruel and when I couldn't take anymore and cried out, that only encouraged him. And I knew that it could never be you. But now I feel so confused." Sam paused to take a deep breath. The next breah was raspy and she shuddered in her emotion.

"It's like all this could be gone in a second, and I want you to hold me and tell me it's all going to be ok. Just like you have been. But then at the same time, I don't want you anywhere near me." Admitting this, she felt ashamed and embarrassed.

O'Neill couldn't fault her for feeling like that. But he didn't know how to digest it. Didn't know how to overcome it and get her to trust them again. It was the most open she's been about what happened and she had been back on Earth for almost a week. He knew what that took from her. And not for the first time did he wonder if things would ever be the same for her. The room suddenly got a whole lot smaller and he couldn't breathe. He needed to get out before he suffocated. Without saying anything, he got up and left.

Her front door shut, leaving her all alone with nothing other than her thoughts. She knew O'Neill wasn't one to deal with emotions well. If she was being honest, she wasn't good at expressing herself either. She wasn't even upset that he left really. She felt cut open and raw. Though she wasn't telling him to leave, that's how it seemed to be received. But the moment alone, showed her how physically and emotionally exhausted she was. Too weak to move, she allowed her body to slump down and closed her eyes, falling asleep on the floor.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Apologies for the extreme delay. Honestly I am getting stuck. And I rather wait until I find the words than to crank out trash. So I hope this doesn't disappoint!**

 **Chapter 18**

He had ended up sitting in his truck, mindless staring out at the park. Children played, innocent of any cruel realities that were happening around them. Their parents laughing with each other, equally as carefree. They didn't even realize what was going on behind the curtains. The wars being waged each day. O'Neill thought about what they had sacrificed on the daily for them to continue to enjoy such ignorance. And no one would probably ever know what was done in the darkness to protect them. Such was the nature of the job. It was long accepted by O'Neill. He never was one for accolades or needing any show of appreciation really. He was a simple man by most standards. But days like this, when he could feel the toll it took on their soul. Well, regrets and what-if scenarios bubbled up inside of him like a geyser.

His mind returned to Sam. The thoughts had never left, they stemmed from her. What she revealed to him had wrapped around his brain like a snake, constricting every other thought from sticking. O'Neill had acknowledged the likelihood of her being assaulted. He wasn't naive by a long shot. But he never entertained the idea of her being made to believe that her own team had been the ones to hurt her in that way. That was a tough pill for him to swallow. It crushed him to know that his image was a large source of her pain. That what she once took comfort in, was used against her.

An incessant buzzing broke him out of his reverie. Glancing at the offending object, he saw it was Daniel. He wasn't in the mood for talking, and he certainly wasn't in the mood to discuss what had transpired with Sam. But Daniel deserved to know. And maybe Daniel would be able to help somehow.

"Hey Daniel." O'Neill spoke into the receiver. He was surprised at how rough and raspy his voice came out. It was thick with emotion that he thought he had contained.

"Um….she's not so good. I left to give her some space." As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt like a fool admitting to leaving Sam alone. And Daniel was quick to let him hear that. O'Neill took the verbal beating that was unleashed on his ears. He deserved it.

"I don't think that would be a good idea. She's going to need to process some things. Maybe you should come meet me and I'll explain. Bring Teal'c."

This was definitely an occasion that O'Neill didn't want to repeat more than once. He wasn't sure if it was in him. He sent his location to Daniel through a text and waited. Knowing Daniel, he would want to storm over to Sam's house and suffocate her with his concern. O'Neill racked his brain for a better, less overwhelming option for Sam. He could only imagine what it would be like for Sam to have them all pop up at once. He actually grimaced at the mere idea of it.

Roughly forty minutes passed, and Daniel pulled up beside O'Neill's truck with Teal'c in tow. O'Neill threw a wave at them, took a deep breath and got out to greet them.

"Greetings O'Neill, it is good to see you." Teal'c bowed his head.

"Yeah, you too T. Again, I wish it was under better circumstances. Come on, let's grab a seat." O'Neill motioned towards a nearby park bench.

"So tell me why again did you think it was a good idea to leave Sam completely alone in the house." Daniel got right to the chase. He was always quick to defend Sam, protecting her feelings whenever he thought O'Neill was being too insensitive. Or anyone for that matter.

"That's the thing. I didn't think. She told me a little bit of what happened and I uh...just went on autopilot." O'Neill ran his hand over his face, he was ashamed of himself. He had ran away like a coward. Again. He wouldn't be continuing that pattern he told himself.

"What happened? What did she tell you?" Daniel spoke slowly and cautiously. He questioned if he really wanted to know, feeling the gravity of the situation.

"That snake head. He uh...he made her hallucinate each one of us being there. Just like you thought T." O'Neill paused. He felt himself imagining what Sam had been through. Shaking his head, he attempted to clear those thoughts free.

"He made her think we each took turns assaulting her." he finally spit out.

Teal'c's jaw tensed visibly. And Daniel's mouth dropped open.

"She thinks we raped her?!" he all but screamed. O'Neill looked around frantically hoping no one had heard their conversation. O'Neill outwardly winced as soon as Daniel had said that word. It was what happened, but it made it seem too real.

"Not exactly. I mean, she knows we personally didn't. But she's having trouble discerning reality from manipulated memory."

"Damnit. I wish I could kill him."

"You will be required to stand in line DanielJackson."

"Well, before Sam told you that, how was she doing at home?" Daniel needed to change the subject Daniel could almost feel himself becoming physically ill. To associate his image with such a act of terror was like a blow to the stomach. He couldn't think about what O'Neill told him any longer than needed if he wanted to keep his composure. Especially when it would surely need to be revisited for Sam's healing process.

O'Neill hesitated at answering. That question brought the other bomb to the table. Sam's pregnancy. It wasn't his news to share, and he didn't want to betray her trust. Carefully thinking of how to describe the past few days, O'Neill stood.

"In one word? Rough. She went from being mute to breaking down back to being mute. Today's the most she's actually spoke. She's trying to block out everything but….it's too much. Too much for her or anybody."

"You think we could see her?" Daniel asked hopeful.

"Let me see how she feels about it. I shouldn't have left her alone like you said anyway." He stood and made for his truck. He figured they could follow behind him and he would go in alone to see if Sam would be up for company.

The drive back to her seemed longer than the drive away. Daniel had given him more than a piece of his mind, but it paled in comparison to how disappointed he was in himself. He should have known better, should have been stronger. She didn't deserve anything less than. He was anxious as to what state he would find her in. He wasn't sure if bringing Daniel and Teal'c to see her was the right thing to do. But there wasn't an instruction manual for this. O'Neill couldn't help but think that there should be.

Hopping down from the truck, O'Neill waved to Daniel and Teal'c through their windshield. Taking another deep breath for probably the thousandth time that day, O'Neill carefully entered Sam's house. He knew that she probably wouldn't be able to get the door easily. He called out to her before walking towards the last place he knew she was. Sam laid still as stone, curled into herself on the carpet. She was hugging herself and her eyes were closed. Her face was relaxed and she seemed like she was at peace. Exhaustion had gotten the best of her, O'Neill reasoned.

He called out to her a little louder than at first. She slowly began to stir, a frown growing on her face. Touching her was completely out of the question. O'Neill had learned his lesson the last time. He move to sit on the couch nearby and called once more. Finally hearing him, her eyes flickered open and slowly adjusted themselves to see him clearly. She just stared at him for what felt like an eternity. Sam couldn't decide whether or not she felt angry, disappointed that he left, or didn't feel anything at all. She settled for the latter, as she was devoid of being able to handle any emotion.

"When did you get back?" She asked. Her voice was steady and even, no hint of how she was feeling present.

"I just came back. I'm so sorry that I just bailed like that Sam. I just...I don't know, there's no excuse." O'Neill stumbled over his words. Looking at Sam, he tried to gauge her feelings but couldn't. She seemed irrationally calm. Or numb.

"There should be a how to guide for dummies or something." Sam placed her arm out, attempting to lift herself up to a sitting position. A sharp pain ran up her side and she grunted in protest before laying back down.

"Can I help you up?"

"I got it." Sam spoke with certainty that she could get up unassisted. But she wasn't confident in her ability at the moment, but she knew she wasn't ready for anyone to touch her right then.

The air was suddenly filled with a cloud of uncertainty. She could feel that O'Neill was tense and unsure of himself. Biting her lip in apprehension, she braced herself against the anticipated pain and hoisted herself up, using the sofa to hoist herself up. Sweat had already beaded up on her forehead. O'Neill held his own hands together, it was all he could do not to bring himself to help her. He winced, seeing she was obviously hurting from exerting herself in what would have normally been a simple act.

Sitting back on the sofa, she took deep breaths, trying to regain her strength. Her chest heaved and she closed her eyes for a moment. O'Neill fetched a glass of water and handed it to her. He knew she needed to try and reclaim her autonomy and this was clearly apart of it. But he didn't like it.

"It wasn't you. I know that. You shouldn't feel guilty over what he did."

A tear fell on it's own. Sam started to bring her hand towards his cheek to wipe it clean, but stopped just short of contact. Her hand was shaking at the proximity and she quickly withdrew her hand. O'Neill stared at her in disbelief. Here she was, the one who was traumatized beyond comprehension, trying to comfort him. That showed him how strong she really was, he knew but it was confirmed. He took a second to stare away to regain his composure.

"I just hate that there's something about me, even though it's a false memory, that could cause you pain. And there's nothing I can do about it."

"You can, and you are doing something about it now. Every second you are showing me kindness, you're proving that you're my Jack." she smiled. She hesitantly put a hand on his knee for a fraction of a second before taking it away. Sam would have to work up to being comfortable with close contact. But that was a promising start.

"Um...if you're not ready, that's perfectly acceptable. And they will understand. But Daniel and Teal'c called. They want to see you."

Sam sat back against the couch, thinking about seeing the rest of her team. She still wanted to just cocoon herself, lock herself up and throw out the key so no one could reach her. But she missed the rest of her team. And perhaps, she reasoned, seeing them all at once would ease her mind. Facing O'Neill again, she simply nodded.

"Ok, I'll go get them. But just say the word and I'll tell them to leave if it's too much." O'Neill assured her.

"I'll be fine." Sam wasn't convinced if she would be or not. He left her to get them. And in that short period of time, she felt her anxiety growing by the second. She could have easily told him she was too tired for company. And it would not have been a total lie. She slept for a little while when O'Neill had left, but it was short and she had built quite the sleep deficit.

Footsteps were suddenly evident, and looking up at the entry way, she saw Daniel and Teal'c standing behind O'Neill. They looked hesitant and unsure. The common theme these days. Daniel stepped out from behind O'Neill, stopping at the edge of the couch where Sam sat.

"Hey Sam, How are you doing?" Daniel seemed to regret his choice of words the second they left his lips.

"Not much better honestly. But thanks for asking. I've missed you guys." Sam smiled to them both.

"Sorry, I know that was a stupid question."

"I remember someone once telling me that there were no stupid questions, only stupid answers." Sam threw back words she recalled Daniel saying years ago when they had first met. "Please, sit down. I will try not to bite."

"MajorCarter, I would strongly advise against biting DanielJackson as I do not believe him to be as tender as he looks." Teal'c smiled. And in response, Sam surprised them all.

She laughed. A genuine laugh. And that laugh offered them all a light in the darkness that had engulfed them all.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: No excuses, I just suck.**

 **Chapter 19**

The laughter had picked at the carefully guarded wall that had been built piece by piece over the past two years. Sam felt more at peace with them all together with her. For the first time, the thought crossed her mind that things would be ok. She started to believe that she would get through it. _But now you'll never forget._ The twisted thought poked through her mind, intruding on the small feeling of comfort that had taken root. She wouldn't ever get over it, not with the constant reminder that this pregnancy and eventually this child would serve as. She had dreamed of being a mother ever since she could remember. It was the one traditionally feminine part of Sam that she hadn't really discussed with anyone. As equally as she wished she didn't have to bring a child into the world under these circumstances, so did she feel as though she couldn't imagine not having the child.

"Sam?" Daniel tried to get her attention. He could see a distant look on her face as though she was in deep thought. Snapping out of her reverie, Sam faced him.

"Sorry, I was just uh...thinking." She blushed, feeling suddenly uncomfortable with all the attention. She wondered if O'Neill had told them anything, hoping he did.

"You alright, what's on your mind? Maybe we can help?" Daniel had sat down across from her on the love seat. He smiled warmly at her. Seeing his genuine concern made her feel more secure in opening up.

Sam opened her mouth to speak, but words had refused to come out. She bit her lip, trying to work up the courage to say it. O'neill sensed her trepidation and was at her side, trying to offer her as much strength as he could.

"I'm pregnant." Sam blurted out trying to get over the moment quickly. Her cheeks turned a fiery red, warm with shame.

"Oh wow. Um, how are you handling it?" Daniel didn't know whether to apologize or to congratulate her.

"Um...I've been trying not to think about it. But I guess I have made up my mind." Sam's response threw O'Neill. He hadn't talked with Sam much about it, other than to let her know he'd support whatever decision she came to. And it's not like she owed him that conversation. But he was still surprised at how definite she was sounding about whatever conclusion she came too.

"Whatever you decide, we will be here for you 100 percent of the way."

"You can count on us Major Carter."

"Thanks guys, and if Jack really meant it, he offered to help me as well. Which I will gladly accept since I've never raised a baby before." Sam looked into O'Neill's eyes as she ended her sentence, effectively gauging his reaction and revealing her decision simultaneously. Her heart warmed at seeing him smile unabashedly. It gave her the confidence that she was sorely lacking

"So….congratulations?" Daniel was slow to speak. He didn't think that Sam had come to terms completely with her choice, but he was happy as long as she was happy.

"Thanks! Now enough about me." Sam wanted to change the subject. She needed a distraction. Things were quickly becoming too tense and they hadn't even discussed much of her captivity. The guys all nodded in agreement and began exchanging stories of what had been going on since her absence. The more they spoke about their adventures, and minor misfortunes, the more at home Sam felt. As the night progressed, she even dared herself to relax enough to lean against O'Neill and allow him to hold her.

No one ready leave quite yet, they had turned on a movie that they had seen countless of times before. It could have been teletubbies on the screen, the team was simply relishing in the feeling of being reunited again. Every now and then the guys would almost take turns watching Sam. It was almost like a pinch to make sure they weren't only dreaming her presence. She stared straight forward but could feel their inquisitive eyes falling on her every now and then. Trying to block it out, she understood why they were staring, but it made her feel uncomfortable. She felt like she was being inspected.

"Um….what?" Sam asked to whoever would answer. Daniel looked embarrassed to have been caught. He looked at Teal'c and then to O'Neill for help. Offering no means of escape, they both shrugged.

"It's uh. It's just good to be here, all together again."

"Oh. Yeah it is. Never expected to see you guys again." Sam admitted. And honestly, she was sure that the day of her demise would come much sooner than any rescue. She doesn't want to say that she had came to terms with dying, but the thought of being void of the pain and constant humiliation was a welcomed one.

Hours had passed and the credits to the last movie were rolling. They had all put in movie after movie, not wanting the night to end. It was brought back the innocent memories of past team nights. It was a small comfort that they had all needed. Sam fell asleep, curled into the corner of her sofa. Standing up they all took a moment to stretch out, stiff from limited movement. Daniel watch Sam for awhile, confusion coloring his face at seeing her slight twitching that fluttered across her body. Her eyes would clinch tightly, wearing what looked like a grimace on her face as well.

"Should we wake her? I think she's having a nightmare." Daniel suggested.

O'Neill watched her pensively and took a deep sigh. Rubbing a hand over his face, he shook his head. "No, she's not having a nightmare. Her body is responding to the trauma."

"What?" Daniel was only further confused.

"Something about the body and muscle memory when it goes through something terrible. Insert science here." O'Neill half-heartedly attempted to explain. It brought back memories of his own captivity with Iraq, but more recently, with Ba'al. He remembered shutting everyone out. He had only wanted to sleep and be alone at that time, and it was like his body wouldn't let him escape. The sporadic movements were enough to keep him up at times. He even sought out advice from Janet to fix the issue. A fact he swore her to secrecy over, to which she only agreed because she thought it was in Sam's best interest.

"Has she been sleeping O'Neill?" Teal'c asked. They had went into the kitchen so as to not disturb her.

"Not really. She's been fighting it, but her body steps in and forces her to. I'm just worried about how she's going to do with the baby."

"She will not have to manage alone."

"No I know, and she knows you all are going to help. It's just a lot, for anyone you know?"

They all stood in silent vigil for a few seconds. Thoughts solely centered on Sam and what the future held for her. They had all agreed to stay present in Sam's recovery as much as she would allow. Sam was trying hard to put on a strong front, but they could see that it was more of an act at this point. Daniel wanted her to open up and talk to them freely, but both Teal'c and O'Neill steered him away from that path. Sam needed to feel like she was in as much control as possible, and if she needed to try and fake it until she could make it then so be it.

"It's getting late, I think I'm going to take Teal'c back to the base and get some sleep. I'll call in the morning to check on you guys." Daniel gathered up his coat and car keys.

Nodding in agreement, O'Neill walked them out before cleaning up, careful not to disturb Sam's troubled sleep. He sat across from Sam, wondering if he should risk picking her up. She'd be much more comfortable in her bed, but he was hesitant to startle her any more. As if she could sense his eyes on her, she woke up and eased her way into a sitting position.

"Where did everyone go?" Sam asked, mid yawn.

"They left to get some sleep, it's after midnight. We didn't want to interrupt your sleep."

"I feel like I can't sleep enough these days." Sam ran her hand through her unruly hair. It had grown longer, touching the bottom of her shoulder blades. She hadn't bothered to tend to it or cut it back to it's typical style.

"Maybe Janet could give you something to make it easier?

"She already offered some sleeping pills. I'm tired, but I kind of don't want to sleep." Sam suddenly became interested in the design of her shoes.

"The memories come back the longer you close your eyes?" O'Neill guessed, and received his answer through a quick snap of her neck with her eyes staring back as confirmation.

"How long does it take to stop feeling this way?"

"Honestly?" O'Neill asked her. He wanted to give her sunshine and joy, but he couldn't give her any false hope at the same time. That was the worst way to deal with things. He hated when people sugar coated things, only for him to find out the truth. It was like a blow that he had no time to prepare for.

She nods, slow and unsure if she really wants honesty, just as she is unsure if she can take anything more. Then she nods again, more to herself than anything, trying to build her confidence in the situation. "Yeah, I do."

"There are days where I still lay wide awake at night. Still moments I forget where I am. They are few and far between, but they are still there." O'Neill sat next to her to her, and carefully took her hands in his own.

"You learn to live with it. You'll never be the same, it becomes like a shirt that you can't take off. But with time, it gets looser and you adapt."

"I hope so. I know I couldn't learn to live with it at all if it weren't for you." a faint smile graced Sam's face. She leaned into O'Neill's side and let him hold her. Taking comfort in his warmth, she closed her eyes again and let the scent of his safety wash over her.


	20. Chapter 20

Almost a whole year later...and no post. I just completely ghosted this story. I have a good reason, I promise. I didn't have access to a laptop until literally yesterday. So I will get back to regular scheduled programming for anyone still with me. My deepest apologies. :(


	21. Chapter Twenty

**Chapter 20**

The dreaded day had finally come. It was time for Sam's weekly follow up with Janet. This would be her third one, having been back on Earth for just over a month now. It was at this appointment where Sam was scheduled to have an ultrasound done, and she would have to formally commit to having a baby. Or not. While she had been confident and sure, the closer it came, the higher her anxiety grew. The morning was spent in silent thought, O'Neill didn't dare to disturb her. Until finally, they were in the car and driving towards the mountain when O'Neill began itching to know what was going on exactly with her. He felt that he was just as much invested in the process as she was. At least mentally.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"Am I crazy? I must be crazy. Only a crazy person would think about having the baby of their rapist." Sam spewed out, her face turning red towards the end.

"Woah, calm down Sam. If you're crazy, then we are all doomed. This is your child, do you remember what you told me last night?"

"That I loved her already." Sam turned slightly and looked at O'Neill. A wave of calm washed over her, easing her apprehension. That in itself made her smile, realizing how good it felt knowing that he was by her side through all of this.

"You even called your baby a girl. You are attached to the baby more than you realize. And of course it is always your decision and I will wholeheartedly support whatever you decide, but I think you would regret not having her anymore." O'Neill swallowed a rising lump in his throat. He couldn't help but think of his personal loss with Charlie. And he wanted, almost needed, to be there for Sam and her baby as much as she would let him in. It would do little to abate the guilt he felt at her being captured and taking so long to rescue her. But it was a start. And he had dreamed of a future filled with sounds of a child's laughter. A future with Sam. Though he was sure that those dreams were merely a fantasy. Time would still be left to decide, but it was a distinct possibility.

"I don't think I could say it enough, but you've been great with all this and I don't think I could get through any of this without you. Thank you." Sam's cheeks had a sudden red hue to them, not used to being so open and vulnerable around O'Neill.

"Wild horses Sam." O'Neill beamed. "Now let's get you inside to Janet, before she decides to stick me with a needle just for old times sake."

The walk to the infirmary was quite the spectacle. Everyone had known of Sam's circumstance, and while everyone was rooting for her success and recovery, they still couldn't help but stare at her like she was the eighth world wonder. Seeing her again was unexpected, to survive three years in enemy territory was a feat. Knowing first hand the type of trauma they could only imagine that she faced, made it that much more extraordinary.

Sam was never one for attention, even in the best of circumstances. Her work with astrophysics and the like had the tendency to garner such attention and she had suffered through that to the best of her ability. But the attention that this even garnered, the pity and awkward inquisitive looks where almost too much to deal with. O'Neill saw how uncomfortable this made Sam, and ended up barking at the poor airmen or other staff that dared to look too long.

"All the fanfare will die down soon. You know there is nothing quite like the SGC rumor mill."

"Yeah, which I'm sure was stroked with all your demands and feral glares Sir." Sam managed to chuckle a bit. Seeing O'Neill raising an eyebrow to her, she realized that she had called him Sir for the first time since before she was taken.

"Uh...I guess habit from being back here. Not really sure what to refer to you as…" Sam trailed off.

"A conversation for another time, with less prying ears. For now, probably stick to the old routine." O'Neill regretfully decided.

Sam nodded before they made the rest of the way forward in silence. The infirmary was within eyesight, and Sam could feel her anxiety growing inch by inch. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on carrying out her mission. O'Neill lightly placed a hand on the small of her back trying to reassure her with his presence. She threw him a slight smile and forced herself to turn the corner.

"Sam! I was just about to give you a ring. You make it okay?" Janet greeted her. She was cheerful and happy. Sam figured it was for her benefit, and she did appreciate it.

"Well here we are, we had to dodge the paparazzi." Sam rolled her eyes.

"People are just concerned about you, the whole base wasn't the same when you were gone."

"Concerned or more like nosey? Either way, I wish they wouldn't stare but it's human nature I guess."

"Right. You can go ahead and get situated on the table and we can start. Colonel why don't…." Janet turned to face O'Neill but was interrupted.

"Actually, can he stay? I don't mind him being here." Sam stated with her face again, turning red. It seemed a common occurrence recently. She hated feeling vulnerable and she hated feeling like others were treating her that way. But she was more afraid of facing the exam alone. Janet paused, taken off guard for a moment before she recovered. She wasn't used to this new Sam who was more open with her emotions. It made her job easier, but at the same time, it hurt her to see how different Sam had become.

"Of course, whatever makes you comfortable." Janet patted Sam's knee before she pulled a chair up for O'Neill. "Sir, please have a seat. I'll be right back with the machine."

For a woman with such a short stature, Janet made quick work of retrieving the ultrasound machine. Getting the machine turned on, she turned her attention back to a nervous Sam.

"Ok, now of course this is going to be a little cold, you ready?" Janet began reaching for the hemline of Sam's shirt before she nodded her consent. "Right now you are about 13 weeks along so we should be able to hear a heartbeat."

Turning on the monitor, it crackled to life. At first static was all the was prevalent, until a staccato beat echoed throughout. And it was in that moment, when Sam knew that she felt confident in her decision. A gasp escaped her mouth, and she felt her eyes tearing up of their own doing. Grabbing O'Neill's hand, she smiled.

"That's her." Janet confirmed.

It was as though time had stood still from the moment Sam heard the heartbeat. And then Janet flicked the monitor on. The screen lit up, revealing a form that to Sam, and any untrained eye, looked more like a blob than baby. She was surprised at the sudden onslaught of emotion that washed over her. She had always imagined this moment. Being pregnant and seeing her baby for the first time. Sometimes she even envisioned this moment with O'Neill by her side like he was now. Sam had constantly questioned if she could really go through with having a child conceived by rape. Until that very moment, she was sure she knew the answer. But this changed everything. Now she knew that whatever happened next, it wouldn't matter. All the hurdles and the trauma of the past, was inconsequential to the fact that she was going to be a mother to this beautiful baby. And if she could hold on to that, that was much more than she needed to move forward.

"Sam? Are you ok?" Janet asked her. She had yet to respond to the images in front of her or the people next to her.

"What? Oh yeah….um I'm fine. Actually, I'm great. I can't believe it. That's my baby?" Tears of joy gently rolled down her face. Both Janet and O'Neill chanced a shared glance, thrilled at Sam's reaction. They were nervous for her decision and Janet knew how much Sam had desired to be a mother. It was a dream deferred for her and while under terrible circumstances, something beautiful would come out of all the darkness that Sam had endured.

"That's your baby." Janet smiled freely. " So do you want a minute alone?"

Sam turned and looked at O'Neill, still holding his hand in support. She gave him a mysterious and nervous smile before nodding to Janet.

"Ok, I'll be in my office when you are ready. Take your time Sam."

"A penny or two for your thoughts? Vastly underpriced I know." O'Neill joked with her.

"You know, I didn't tell you because I knew you would talk me out of it as best as you could. I knew you would disagree with me despite supporting my decision beyond 100%. I was so sure that I couldn't go through with this pregnancy. I couldn't survive seeing this child every day that would constantly remind me about….what happened." Sam practically whispered the last part of her thoughts. Though they had discussed the outskirts of what happened during Sam's captivity, they never completely felt comfortable really expressing the trauma that occurred. Sam could feel her throat constricting as if physically she would be injured if she even uttered the word rape. It was irrational and illogical, but she couldn't explain it any other way.

O'Neill's face quickly lost the carefree and gently expression and gained one of a stoic soldier. His go to face when dealing with difficult situations. He barely entertained the idea of Sam not having this baby, nor being involved somehow with him or her. He had high hopes and dreams. With each passing second, those hopes were looking a lot more like fantasies.

Sam squeezed his hand, still holding on for support but also to give him support. She knew the value of this and the impact of this for the both of them.

"And I could not have imagined what I felt when Janet showed us the baby. Even though it's still early, just knowing that she's in there depending on me. And now I can not imagine losing that feeling. She's my reason now, my purpose for moving on. I know that all sounds so silly." Sam chuckled. At that moment, O'Neill let go of a breath he wasn't even aware was being held. He smiled in relief and made little attempt to restrain himself.

Sam gasped in surprise when O'Neill suddenly pulled her close to hug her. "You are going to be the best mother Sam." his voice sounded muffled as he talked into the crook of Sam's neck.

He held on for a little longer before releasing her. Gathering his composure again, he looked slightly embarrassed at his behavior. Throwing a sheepish smile towards Sam, he ran his hand through his unruly hair. Sam had always known that to be a nervous trait of his, one that she found endearing.

"Only if you will be there with me." Sam stared into his eyes. She stared so deep, O'Neill could feel her looking into his soul. He knew that they were entering into uncharted territory. But he also knew that he could never go back to the way things were. He vowed that he would never squander his chance to be there for Sam ever again. And he was determined to be there for her in every way, be it physically, emotionally or mentally.

"Forever and Always."


	22. Chapter Twenty-One

**A/N: After re-reading the entire story, I noticed quite a few discrepancies in the details, specifically as far as time goes. I am re-writing some of the chapters to make it seem more realistic, less rushed. Hope you all enjoy the next chapter! :)**

 **Chapter 21**

"So...what have we decided?" Janet clasped her hands together, a smile of encouragement gracing her face.

Sam took a moment, and a deep breath, and exhaled deeply. "Well, I...I think I'm having a baby." It almost sounded like a question, the confidence of her answer not fully in place. She knew Jack would be there for her, and part of her realized that on some level, he saw this as a way to get things right the second time around, she was a scientist after all. Logically, she could not discount the challenge that this would present both in her recovery and how life would look going forward.

"Wonderful! Then I will print out a copy of your sonogram for you to take. Also, we can go ahead and schedule you with a regular OBGYN. Still at the academy hospital of course." Janet's worth spilled freely, the excitement was evident. It wasn't a small secret how much Janet loved babies, never having one of her own, with Cassie being older when they first met, she was fully prepared to smother Sam's child with all of her affection that would be only fitting.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were more excited about this then Sam is Doc!" O'Neill joked with her. He also felt a sudden jolt of joy, hearing Sam confirm what they had only moments ago discussed. He would have a chance to be a father again. Not in the conventional way, but in every and possibly the only way that mattered.

"It's possible!" Janet admitted. She helped Sam get cleaned up before leaving to finish setting up the next steps.

Hopping off the table, Sam's facial expression was an odd mixture of excitement and trepidation. Sam reasoned that she would probably feel that way for the duration of the pregnancy. Sam tried to cram the feelings of unease into a proverbial box deep in her mind. She vowed to try and only think positive thoughts and affirmations from this point on.

"So what's next? Want to go grab some lunch with the guys?" O'Neill asked, he had to admit he missed the old camaraderie of eating in the commissary as a team with everyone. He had dreamed many nights of the team's reunion, on base, at each other's homes, O'Malley's. Just as long as they were all together, it was all the same. The memories of past nights were starting to fade against his wishes and he hated to admit that he was starting to doubt this as possible. Not only were things going to change drastically once the baby was here, but O'Neill knew the importance of normalcy after coming back from such a traumatic event. And the commissary would be just what the doctor ordered.

"I think I owe General Hammond a discussion about that. It's been almost three years, I'm sure technically I am still missing in action according to Washington."

"Oh with that brain of yours Carter, they will always take you back. But I was actually talking about eating. I'm sure Hammond is expecting you to take some time to settle back in. I mean you didn't exactly just go on a long stroll."

"Definitely would not call it a stroll. Seeing Teal'c and Daniel sounds much more enjoyable than re-hashing the months of torture that Kuk..." Sam's cheeks turned red, and she felt her breathing start to quicken. In an instant, the cruel three-letter name brought her back to the cold, damp cellar on PX5897. Her left hand involuntarily wrapped around her wrist, checking for restraints that she had not long ago been freed of. She couldn't help the feelings of shame that admitting her concerns brought.

She had fought on the frontline team for almost a decade. She was a proven warrior by all standards. But Kuk had accomplished his goal, he took a part of her that she didn't feel would ever come back. She hated the fact that just a simple thought could so quickly transport her back to that planet.

O'Neill discreetly grabbed her hand and rubbed it, trying to lend her as much support as possible. He knew what she was thinking and the basis of her embarrassment. He would never think less of her, she had earned his trust a thousand times over. But he also understood the instinct to keep one's foot firmly planted on safe land. His imprisonment in Iraq, which was the only yardstick he had to measure her experience against, had paled in comparison. He had been but a fraction of time in that dank, dark cell. In the four months that he was there, he had undergone the most unbelievable forms of torture. He even felt as though he was reaching the point of forgetting who he was, forgetting his own name.

So while he could empathize with Sam's position, he knew that even then it wasn't enough to fully appreciate what Kuk had put her through. It was remarkable and a highlight of her character and capabilities that she stood here today in front of him.

Sam cleared her throat, forcing away the lump of emotion that was bound to overtake her, took a step back.

"Let's go see what Daniel and Teal'c are up to. I do need to try and feed this baby I guess."

"Good, cause the guys have been annoying the crap about seeing you." O'Neill pretended to complain. They both turned to find the rest of the team. It didn't take long, as they both were together in Daniel's office, having what appeared to be a casual conversation.

"Hey guys, what's going on in here?"

"Oh hey Jack, hey Sam! Nothing much, just wanted to get Teal'c's opinion on some tricky hieroglyphs that SG-11 brought back the other day. It seems almost like two different languages sewn together."

"Ah, you found Spanglish." O'Neill lifted a finger for emphasis.

"I believe it is actually some unique hieroglyphs which DanielJackson is referring to."

"Uh, Spanglish is the combining of Spanish and English language. Usually spoken by someone who is bilingual. Which is Jack's crude explanation for this phenomenon I'm assuming."

Teal'C held this coy expression on his face as Daniel tried to fumble around for an explanation. He nodded at O'Neill, letting him in on the secret torture that he was enjoying. O'Neill couldn't remember a time that seemed so lighthearted as the one they were in. He relished in it, enjoying the fact that these moments would only grow now. It amazed him how quickly things can change.

"But I'm guessing you already knew that?" Daniel huffed in exasperation after noting Teal'c and his growing smile.

"Anyway, what's going on with you and Sam? I heard you guys were around here somewhere"

"Cut the games Daniel, she knows how much of a pest you have been. Buzzing in my ear all day." O'Neill scowled.

"Jack, it's fine! I had a check up, Jack and I saw the baby on the ultrasound."

"Really? How did that go? I mean considering….I mean….nevermind I'm gonna shut up now." Daniel's cheeks flamed bright red. His brain filter seemed to malfunction at the most inopportune time.

"No, it's a fair question. It went better than I expected. Thanks to Jack." Sam leaned into Jack, a fond smile reaching her eyes in remembrance. O'Neill rubbed her arm lightly, offering reassurance. This little endearing display did not escape Daniel's attention. Nor Teal'c as they shared a knowing glance. They always knew of the bond Sam and Jack shared, but with the military regulations figured it would be a longshot for them to admit any feelings besides platonic ones. It was unfortunate that it took such a traumatic event for them to get here. On the other hand, it was a small silver lining.

"Did you speak with GeneralHammond yet?" Teal'c asked, always one to be straight to the point.

"No not yet. I figured I would save that for another day, I've had enough excitement for the time being." And as if on schedule, her stomach had started to rumble.

"Now that a little recap has been had, what do you guys say we go scout out some cake?" O'Neill clasped his hands together.

"Indeed."

The cafeteria was bustling with activity. Servicemen were going about their business, some grabbing a quick bite, others seated in seemingly lighthearted conversations. Telling herself to keep breathing, she walked up to a free table, and slid into the remaining seat beside Daniel.

"So what's good here? Haven't been here for awhile." Sam tested out her latest sense of humor.

"Cake. Cake is always good. But Danny here has been eyeing some of that jello you love."

"Jello...can't say it sounds too appetizing these days." Sam's face seemed to scrunch up on it's own free will.

O'Neill pretended to feign shock, Teal'c lifted an inquisitive eyebrow and Daniel outright questioned her admission.

"But you eat Jello the way the common man drinks water." Daniel pointed out.

"I know what it is, it's the first stages of those pregnancy cravings and repulsions. Wait for it Carter, everything you used to love, you will hate soon enough!" O'Neill spoke with too much enjoyment.

"Is it weird that I'm actually looking forward to all of the weird cravings and things to come?" Sam laughed. She really was excited for all the experiences this pregnancy had to offer. If she was being honest with herself, she had begun questioning her likelihood of becoming a mother. Even Janet had mentioned the odd chance of her having a child from all of the trauma she had experienced over the years. And that was before the Kuk fiasco had happened.

A minor chorus of reassurances were echoed with no hesitation.

"What ya thinkin of?" O'Neill asked seeing her looking miles away.

"I just can't help but see everyone here, going about their day so normally. Feels off, almost as though I'm imagining being here. Like I know it's real, but it was just the other day that I was alone and more times than not literally imagining being here. I don't know, I'm not making any sense. Forget it." Sam shook her head trying the knock the thoughts out of her mind. If they were just thoughts she could get past it, but they weren't they were memories that were still very much alive with her.

"MajorCarter, I believe I can in a small way, relate to what you are referring to. I spent years committing countless atrocities in the name of Apophis, forced to do the most heinous acts that cause me to despise myself more and more each day. When I finally freed myself of that bondage, thanks to the Tau'ri, it took much time and effort for me to free myself of the guilt and shame that I had harboured. Even though I had the aid of those that have become my chosen identity, it took many years of going through the motions before I truly felt liberated and, as you say, to go about my day normally." Teal'c bowed his head, signalling that he said his bit. And once again, there was an unequivocal amount of wisdom to be shared when Teal'c spoke.

"So you're saying, fake it until I make it?" Sam's eyes shone with unshed tears.

"Well that and mostly with time, things will feel right Sam. No one is expecting you to just shake off what happened. Despite all the things that would point elsewhere, everyone knows you are human." Daniel smiled. Even with all the time that passed by, Sam's reputation still preceded her. She was what legends were made of in the SGC hallways. All of SG-1 really.

"You're right, I know that. I just wish I could fast forward to the end where things are all sunshine and rainbows." the last part of Sam's sentence coming out in a yawn.

"Well aside from sunshine and rainbows, I foresee a lot of naps in your future. You better get them in now before the little one comes." O'Neill spoke with a twinkle in his eye.

"Still up for helping out? I plan to hold you to it." Sam winked.

"Of course." O'Neill reached out to grab her hand. An act that was meant to portray warmth and his care. But it was an act that caused her to recoil and flinch out of reach. He shouldn't have been surprised, but Sam had been putting on such a strong front it made him think otherwise. Her cheeks burned bright with shame and embarrassment.

Daniel and Teal'c couldn't help but take note of her reaction. It made the reality of the situation real and it stung them to the core that she was going through that.

"I just remembered, I left something in the locker room….I'm gonna...go get it." Sam stumbled over her words trying to cover up what just happened. Without waiting for any response, she stood and walked as fast as she dared out of the commissary.

Daniel, Teal'c and O'Neill all looked at each other, somewhat lost but wanting to do something to help. Daniel was the first to react, standing up and gathering his trash to clear off. "I'm gonna go check on her."

"Let's just give her a second. I think she was embarrassed and may need a moment to herself." O'Neill suggested.

"But she has nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Often times DanielJackson, I find logic and rational behavior is somewhat limited when one experiences a trauma as Major Carter has."

"Couldn't have said it better myself." O'Neill threw Teal'c a sideways grin.

A couple of hours pass since Sam made her great escape. The team had gone about their separate ways making themselves busy with various tasks. O'Neill was spinning his wheels more than anything. He knew that she had needed the time to regroup, but he also just wanted to wrap her up in his arms and let her know that she was safe. And to remind himself that she was still there.

But he reasoned that two hours was ample enough alone time. At least it was for his sanity's sake. So with that justification in mind, he got up and began the search for her.

It didn't take long, finding her in the usual spot that was her comfort zone, her office. She had her head buried in a textbook, but O'neill would be surprised if she was really concentrating on it. Taking care not to elicit a similar reaction as earlier, he knocked on the door frame.

"Mind if I bother you for a second?"

Looking up to him slowly, she let out a deep sigh before offering him a smile. "Of course not, I think I'm ready to show my face again."

"Nothing to hide from Sam, things aren't going to get better overnight."

"Yeah, but I sure wish they could be! I didn't expect to react that way ya know? I thought I was handling it better." Sam's eyes cast down to her hands in front of her. She always prided herself in being able to be a soldier first. She knew how the military was, that she would have to prove herself each and every day. Even after all this time in the Stargate program, she knew there were still some who doubted.

"There's nothing left to prove you know?" O'Neill sat down across from her. A smirk slid on his face as he saw her eyes snap up in surprise to hear him echo her thoughts.

"I know you Sam. And you have to believe me when I say there's nothing to be ashamed of. You showed your worth from the day you showed up and challenged me to an arm wrestling match. And you definitely showed your worth when you blew up that sun, not to mention the other countless times that you save us from an untimely fate.

You don't have to separate the woman from the soldier. And honestly, I wouldn't want you to."

"You should speak more, you're not as dense as you put on." Sam chuckled.

"Hey! I'm still your commanding officer. Besides, being a man of few words, makes my thoughts all the more precious. Just like ole Teal'c. But what do you say we get out of here, it's been a long enough day, I'd say?"

"Sure. I am pretty tired."

And for the first time in awhile, Sam felt hopeful. And she felt something that she couldn't quite call happy just yet. But she knew it was on the horizon.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: The last pre-written chapter...I have the rest of the story outlined and I'll just say…..buckle in because it's going to be a bumpy ride! ;)**

 **Chapter 22**

A few months had passed, and Sam was well into her pregnancy. She was nearing the end of her second trimester, and settling in to her new life. O'Neill never left her side if it could be helped. Daniel had joked that it was a new found terror working with him on missions that went over schedule. O'Neill would become irritable and antsy until he could see Sam again. It was just as adorable as it was annoying. They planned on taking things slowly, and they were as much as fate would allow. Both Sam and O'Neill had their own houses, yet O'Neill was beginning to forget what his place looked like.

While Sam had no intentions of going back through the Stargate, pregnant or not, she too felt antsy when O'Neill was gone too long. She finally mustered up the courage to speak with General Hammond about her future with the SGC. He was more than accommodating and understanding. Hammond had always had a warm spot in his heart for her. Hammond considered her his niece for all intents and purposes. He put in some favors to find her a place at the Academy to teach a few classes. Sam was beginning to feel like things were becoming normal again, at least the new normal. Her reputation continued to precede her outside the SGC walls. The students and even some of the other professors treated her like she was some kind of living legend. It helped that they didn't know the true reason for her arrival. They had assumed that she just wanted to slow down and concentrate on her pregnancy and new role of motherhood. Which wasn't totally incorrect.

Lowering herself at her desk, Sam could already sense that the rest of her pregnancy wasn't going to be completely fun. Janet warned that she was probably going to have a decent sized baby, with her stomach already showing significantly more than most women at this stage. She still had about 3 more months left and Sam's back was protesting the new sensation of the added pressure. She couldn't help but count down the hours when she was relaxing at home with Jack rubbing her aching feet.

She found herself smiling at the thought, revelling in how lucky she was despite it all. From the outside looking in, no one would suspect that Jack was anything but her child's father. She feared several times that he would regret her or harbor some sort of resentment for their arrangement. She knew he was a man of honor and duty, that's one of the things that made him so endearing to her. She also knew how strong his misplaced guilt had been at her being kidnapped and held captive for so long, and ultimately she knew he felt responsible for her state now. He never blatantly confirmed it, but she didn't need him to. But she also knew that he loved her, and she him. They had danced around the subject for as long as she remembers, it was still a tender area for her. She still had flashbacks, and certain things would trigger those memories. Thinking about being in an actual, true to form relationship, was something that still seemed to be too daunting to approach. All she knew for sure, was that while she didn't think she was ready to be with him, she couldn't be without him.

The door creaked open, snapping her out of her thoughts. Looking up, she threw a friendly smile on her face in greeting of the secretary that all the professor's shared. "Sorry to interrupt Ma'am, but I have a Daniel Jackson up front for you."

"Thank you Sharon, please tell him I will be right out." Sam had already made to grab her things. They had all agreed that they would make a concerted effort to stay an active part of each other's lives after she left the program. Daniel and Sam tried to have lunch at least once a week outside of team nights where they all got together. Tidying up her desk, Sam made her way to the front of the building.

Daniel sat in one of the wooden benches, crouched over with his nose in some kind of pamphlet. He was engrossed in whatever it was, not noticing Sam until she was right next to him.

"Must be some book you got there Daniel." Sam poked fun at her friend. In turn he gave her a bashful smile that reminded her of their first meeting at the SGC. But now time had groomed him to be an experienced soldier, albeit still firmly rooted in academia.

"Hey Sam! Great to see you!" Daniel opened his arms to hug her, waiting for her to take the extra step or not. It's something that she couldn't help but notice with all her friends, Jack included. They always were sure to let her be the one to fully initiate any kind of touch or closeness. It was a kindness that she appreciated, but at the same time bothered her to know that she still needed that kind of thoughtful treatment. Shrugging off the dark cloud that was threatening to loom, she entered into the proffered hug.

"Sorry bout that, we had just found this planet that looks like it was some kind of storage facility at one point. There's all these machines and devices, then Teal'c found this book, but I can't quite put my finger on the origin of language." Daniel spoke in hurried tones, excitement coloring his face.

"So you've been busy. I bet you were like a kid in a candy shop on that planet!"

"It was great, though Jack didn't think so. You should have been there! There was all this technology stuff that you would have loved too!" Daniel's face flushed after catching himself too late. Gate travel and the lack of Sam's presence seemed to be an off topic subject sense the changes occurred. No one really talked about not talking about it, but they just weren't sure how to approach it. So they danced around it. By the distant look in Sam's eye, Daniel felt that he made a misstep.

"How's teaching going Sam?" He tried to steer the subject elsewhere. Sam still had somewhat of a hazy look and Daniel's words are still somewhat dulled to her ears. Time seems to slow down and for a moment she seems to be transported back to Kuk's planet.

"Sam?" Daniel asks again after getting a lack of response. He takes note of her breathing speeding up and nearing the point of hyperventilation. Cautiously, he moves and gently grabs her arms and barely rubs reassuring circles. She jumps startled and blinks a couple of times appearing to see him for the first time since he mentioned the planet.

"Daniel…" Sam pauses and takes in her surroundings. She takes a deep breath after seeing that she is indeed still on Earth. "I uh, sorry…I think I had a flashback or something." She looked down at her hands, clearly embarrassed. She moved to step out of Daniel's touch that was meant to be comforting. It was, it helped ground her, but it was just another reminder that she was still healing.

The look that Daniel gave her was both comforting yet odd at the same time. She wasn't sure how to feel about it and she wanted to move on from it as soon as possible.

"Why don't we go grab a bite, I'm starving!" Sam threw a brilliant smile on her face, slightly too much to seem genuine. Daniel, God bless him, was kind enough to accept it and go with it.

"Yeah, there was a small café on the corner up the street. Looked like they had some good food up there. Ready to go?"

Sam nodded and they left for lunch.

That night, Sam waited at home for Jack. He was a little later than usual, but he had called her from the base to tell her. That was one thing he had always done, so she wouldn't think the worst. With Sara, Jack didn't really feel like he had to reassure her of anything outside of being at work. Sara would have just thought that meant he had some extra paperwork or something. But Sam knew what him being late could potentially mean. A whole universe….or two…of different meanings that ranged from bad to worse. So Sam always appreciated when he would call and tell her that being late was really something as mundane as extra paperwork.

"Lucy, I'm home!" Jack called out, referencing an old sitcom.

"Hi Jack, I was hoping you were gonna be here soon. I wasn't sure how much longer I could stay awake. It seems easier and easier to sleep these days." Sam hoisted herself up to greet Jack.

"Well that's the way pregnancy goes. Pretty soon, it is going to be harder and harder to sleep. Come on, let's get ready for bed. I'm tired too, it's been a long day."

They made their way to the bedroom and started getting ready for bed. Jack turned on the shower to take a quick rinse. Sam laid in the bed and mindlessly turned on the tv, waiting for Jack to finish. She caught herself smiling, reveling in the warmth of her new reality. She doubts she would have been in this position, laying in a bed that was as much Jack's as hers, happy and in love, without the terrible trauma that she was through.

The door opened, shaking her out of her reminiscing. "What's on your mind?" Jack asked, his hair sticking wildly in all directions.

"Just wondering how I got so lucky to have you. And why I had to go through what I did in order to be here." Sam whispered the last part, somewhat ashamed at it.

"You know, I wonder about that myself. Every day. I don't know why I waited so long to show you how I feel. Sometimes I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I told you years ago, the moment I saw you in the briefing room where it all started. Because honestly, that is the exact moment I knew you would be the last woman I ever loved." Jack slid into the bed next to Sam. Carefully, he wrapped his hand around hers, and moved a stray hair behind her ear with his other free hand.

"But then I realized, that things happen the way they are meant to happen. That we could sit here and create thousands of what if scenarios, but at the end of the day, what good would that do? So I much rather prefer to be happy and content in the here and now."

"You are right. These thoughts just seem to pop in my head at the weirdest times. Why weren't you so opinionated and open when we worked together?"

"Being open and vulnerable on a military base? Please. I have to protect my male bravado." Jack puffed out his chest in an overstated dramatic manner. Sam laughed and felt herself melting into Jack's embrace.

"I saw Daniel today." Sam didn't know if Daniel talked about it with Jack or not.

"Oh yeah, how that go?"

"It began strange, but ended better. Think I had a flashback and then zoned out for at least a minute. He practically had to shake me out of it."

Sam feels the deep sigh before she hears it leave Jack's body. Just another thing that she takes comfort in. His presence helps ground her in a way that she never dared to imagine.

"I still have flashbacks. They are few and far between but ever so often something will trigger it."

Sam turned to look into his eyes. She was surprised by his confession. It had been years and years since Jack had been a prisoner of war in Iraq, though he could have been referencing any one of the more recent traumas he had experienced courtesy of the SGC, she knew he wasn't.

"Flashbacks will lessen, but there will always be that one small thing, that will trigger you. Probably the one thing I got out of speaking to a quack doctor was how to take yourself out of that." Jack lifted his arm, baring his wrist to Sam. She could see a thin rubber band around his wrist.

"Whenever I feel like I'm in the midst of one, or about to be, I snap this band against my skin and it seems to kind of snap me back into reality."

She always wondered why he wore the rubber band. She never brought herself to ask him, thinking he'd rather not share the story. She felt that he still wouldn't have told her that if it weren't to offer her a similar sense of normalcy.

"I don't think I'll ever deserve you." The words fell from Sam's lips before she could even censure her thoughts.

"That's where you are wrong for once Sam, no one could ever be enough to deserve you." Jack smiled and leaned down to place a light kiss on her cheek. Sam reached up to touch his face. Carefully shifting, she turned his face and returned his kiss on the lips. Jack allowed the kiss to deepen and wrapped his arms around Sam.

She released a slight moan, parting her lips. Jack pulled out from their embrace, just enough to look into Sam's eyes. Looking for some sign or signal that he wasn't moving too fast, he returned to their embrace upon finding it. Sam's heart felt that it was about to burst out of her chest, swearing that she could hear the pounding outside of her body.

The rough padding of Jack's fingers ran down her back, eliciting fire to her nerves. Her back involuntarily arched, exposing the length of her neck to which Jack to full advantage of. Peppering kisses all along her collarbone, Jack continued making a sloppy trail down taking time to give each breast special attention. Reaching for the hem of her shirt, he slowly inched it up, helping Sam remove it completely. Sitting back, he couldn't help but admire the curves of her body. The swell of her belly made her more enticing and his eyes were drawn to it like a magnet.

Sam took note of his reaction, and moved quickly trying to cover herself. Her cheeks turned bright red, flushed with embarrassment rather than the building passion. "It's okay, maybe we should just sleep."

"If you want to stop, we can. But don't be ashamed Sam. You're beautiful." Jack held her hand, and kissed it. "I was staring out of awe. I love every ounce of you Sam. Including your baby. And don't ask if I mean it, because you should know better."

"I do love you. And I do want this. But I just still need more time. I'm so sorry." Sam said, a single tear trailing down her cheek. . Moving to be face level with her, Jack took her face in his hands and wiped them away.

"Nothing to apologize for. I love sleeping with you, feeling you in my arms is enough for as long you need to want or need more." Jack spoke earnestly, placing a light kiss on Sam's forehead and pulling the blankets around them.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 23**

Last night did not go as planned. Spending the night together still had it's awkward moments of course. Neither party was too sure of how to act or react. Sam had naive hopes that creating new memories with Jack would replace the nightmarish ones that were seared into her soul. But if she was being honest with herself, she still couldn't move past those memories of Kuk. Daring to open her eyes, she peeked at Jack who was still asleep, lovingly cradling her. He looked so peaceful and content. She felt herself envious of his carefree slumber. He was just sleeping without a thought in the world, and here she was trying to talk herself out of a panic attack feeling his arms encircling her.

Disgusted with herself, she cautiously wiggled away from him to try and push away the feelings. She tiptoed into the bathroom and started the shower to begin the day. They both had a free day, with it being the weekend. And it came at just the right time. Her feet were starting to swell regularly and while her nauseous stomach had long settled, she still had bouts of exhaustion that only seemed to be increasing.

She took care to dress in the bathroom, in case Jack was awake. Sam was excited for this baby most days, but seeing her changing body made her think of how it came to be as well. And she didn't want to see the look of pity that she just knew Jack would surely make. Stepping out, quietly as she went in, she noticed she didn't have to manage her noise level as Jack was no longer in bed. The smell of pancakes and coffee, decaf no doubt, wafted through the air in greeting. Her stomach rumbled in excitement.

"Good morning sunshine, I was wondering if you were ever going to emerge. I was starting to worry about you drowning." Jack joked as Sam walked into the kitchen.

"Morning, I just needed a bit to clear my thoughts."

"And they're cleared I take it?"

"More or less. Nothing those pancakes won't fix." Sam moved to take a seat at the small table in in her kitchen, effectively ending the line of questioning.

Taking note, Jack plated a stack of pancakes and placed them in front of her with a steaming mug of coffee. "Decaf."

"Counting the days I can get the real stuff!" Sam inhaled the aromatic coffee infused steam.

Sitting across from her with his plate, Jack smiled before digging in to his pancakes. He could stay in this moment for the rest of his life. He relished in the feelings of domesticity that he never thought he would experience again. He was happy.

"Arielle." Jack stated out of the blue."

"Huh? You have some burning desire to watch The Little Mermaid?"

"Not particularly just throwing some ideas out there for the little one. Arielle if it's a girl, and maybe William if it's a boy, Billy for short."

"Seems like you have put a lot more thought into this than I have. You do know that I am only six months pregnant right?" Sam questioned, absentmindedly rubbed her protruding stomach.

"Yup. And the rest of the time will fly by before we know it and we'll have a full fledged, unnamed bouncing baby on our hands. Besides, this is fun!" Jack smiled fondly, with a child-like glee in his eye. Sam was so thankful to have him in her corner. She knew she wouldn't have to ask before he picked up the pieces that she would undoubtedly have trouble maneuvering.

"Fun and scary all at once. Do you think I'll be a good mom?" Sam's voice was hesitant, she was almost ashamed to even ask the question. As though that would signal that she was in fact not ready to be a mom.

"I think you'll be a great mom Sam. Don't you worry, no one has it figured out. Kids are one phenomenon that would prove a feat even for an astrophysicist. The fact that you're worried about being a good mom proves that you're going to be amazing."

The following months passed by much like Jack described. Sam was growing more confident in her motherhood abilities with Jack and her friend's help. But she was also still nervous, but she knew that was only logical. Janet and Daniel had grown closer as well. Something that Sam had a feeling would happen. They were a near perfect fit. Every time Sam called one, the other was sure to be close by. The same could be said of Sam and Jack. Taking advantage of Janet's excitement over the baby, Jack convinced them to come help set up the nursery. Well, Janet offered and voluntold Daniel's assistance.

While the guys were arguing over how to put together the baby furniture, Janet and Sam took a minute to catch up in the backyard.

"So how's life been treating you Sam?"

"It's good actually. It is one small step from being perfect really." Sam mused, taking a sip of her tea.

"Hmm...let me guess is it the relationship with you and Jack?" Janet took a stab at what could be bothering her friend. She knew from different little comments that Sam would make from time to time, that she was insecure about what she could offer Jack. And despite her reassurances, she also knew it was natural for her to have some trouble accepting that Jack really and truly loved her. While not in the exact same situation, Janet had been in a terrible marriage that was abusive in a physical and psychological way. It had almost caused her to miss out on pursuing anything with Daniel. But she feared losing Daniel far more than she was worried about whether Daniel could really care for her, to not try a relationship.

"Yes! Well, part of it but the other part is connected." Sam turned around, making sure that no one was coming out of the house, "A little over a month ago, we tried to...ya know."

"And it didn't go as planned?"

Sam shook her head in the negative.

"Oh honey, I'm sure Jack understands." Janet grabbed Sam's hand lightly and cautiously.

"That's the thing though, he understood yes, but how much longer can I expect him to understand? I tried to force myself to relax and go with it. I thought I could fake it until it felt right. I do love Jack, but every time I felt his hands, my mind catapulted back to the dungeon. And then the baby. What if one day he just wakes up and realizes he is wasting all of his time on someone that doesn't have much to offer and he's raising a stranger's child?" Sam spoke fast and quietly. She had been harboring these thoughts for as long as she can remember. She didn't dare let them out before, not wanting to bring them to life, but they broke out of the dam of Sam's mind.

"I can tell you that he understands and loves you until I'm blue in the face Sam. But you have to believe that. So instead, I'll tell you to believe what he is showing you. Actions speak so much louder, and he is constantly showing you that he is here for you, that he loves that baby like his own."

"I don't know what I would do without you Janet. Thank you." Sam smiled warmly. Janet had been so strong and a great support system. Hearing a female perspective was so powerful and made Sam feel stronger about what the future would look like.

"Well, if you really want to thank me, you'll share some of that cake I peeped in the kitchen!" Janet laughed, breaking up the somber atmosphere with some humor.

"Help yourself, I'd serve you some but you know, eight month baby bump makes me a little less mobile these days." Sam rest back in her seat. This baby couldn't come soon enough.

Resting her hand lovingly on her stomach, her thoughts wandered to the guys upstairs. She and Jack decided to decorate the rooms in gender neutral colors. They wanted to be surprised at the birth. The more she thought about it, the more what Janet had said clicked. Jack was definitely acting like he wanted nothing more than to be close with her and this baby. She almost forgot at times that Jack wasn't actually the biological father. And for all intents and purposes, he is the father. He asked if he could adopt her child almost right away after she decided that she wanted to keep her baby. Jack wanted the baby to feel nothing less than what she deserved. Of course that was one more thing that Sam was hesitant about. She didn't want it to seem that she was just using Jack for security and her needs. But like always, Jack read her mind and put those concerns to rest. So she agreed and Jack acted like he had struck gold.

"I know you guys want to be surprised, but really, what are you hoping for?" Daniel asked, stopping mid-stroke of painting the wall. Sam left the particulars up to them as far as how to paint. They had decided to go with a soft yellow with a seafoam green as an accent wall. The crib was set to go against the accent wall, with a rocking chair in a corner on the other end. After what felt like hours, the two finally figured out how to assemble the changing table that was promised to be a quick job.

"We both really just want a healthy baby, but if I had to pick...I'd want a girl. A mini Sam, what could be more perfect? Want to be let in on a little secret?" Jack asked in a faux whisper. A mischievous glint in his eye.

"Sure!"

"When the baby is born, and Sam gets settled in back at home, I'm going to propose."

"Do you think she is ready for that? I mean, she loves you no doubt. Everyone could see the sparks between you two, hell the entire base had secret bets over you two. I just mean in regards to...you know." Daniel thought back to a previous meeting where Sam had a bad reaction to an innocent gesture of greeting her. It was several months since she had been back, and Sam appeared to be handling everything in stride and recovering well. She even had been regularly going to a therapist who specialised with trauma in military service members. There was no rule book or set timeline on when someone would fully recover from such a traumatic experience that Sam had been through.

"Yeah, I think she is ready. At least ready to be a family. She still needs time to heal, but that doesn't make me want her any less. I couldn't imagine being with anyone but her. And I heard those bets too. It used to kill me hearing all the remarks and having to act like I didn't and act like she was just my 2IC."

"Well, I'm happy for you."

"JACK! DANIEL!" Janet yelled, frantic and fear evident in her voice. Without a second thought, the paint brushes in their hands fell to the carpet, paint splattering everywhere. Flying down the steps, two at a time, Jack wasted no time reaching the patio where he heard Janet. She was speaking a mile a minute into the phone receiver, but everything seemed to be going in slow motion as Jack looked down to see Sam lying down in a growing pool of her own blood.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Read….Review….Enjoy! And keep the faith! ;)**

 **Chapter 24**

Sirens could be heard waning and whining in the distance, getting closer and closer but still not fast enough for Jack's liking. Janet placed a pillow beneath Sam's head while Daniel cleared a pathway for the EMTs to get through. Jack was nervously pacing, feeling useless.

"What happened? Is she breathing? Why is she bleeding? Jack asked a mile a minute, not sure if he really even wanted to hear the responses.

"Um...I don't know. It could be a number of things. We'll have to wait until we get to the hospital to know more." Janet spoke rushed and just as nervous. "Where's that damn bus!"

A small groan was heard as Sam started regaining consciousness. She blinked her eyes, disoriented to where she was. "Where….where am I?"

"It's ok, you're ok. You're home. We gotta bus coming for you. Everything is gonna be fine." Jack held her hand, telling her promises he was praying he could keep. Her hand lifted up, and her eyes drew wide upon seeing her own red-tinged fingers. Grasping her stomach with the other, Sam gasped as a sharp pain shot up her body. If she wasn't only in the beginning days of her final trimester, she would have thought she was in labor.

"The baby. Janet! What's wrong!" Sam demanded, tears rolling freely down her face. Janet couldn't control the tears that escaped her eyes. Bleeding was never a good sign, and with the amount that Sam was losing, a first year residency student could tell what Sam was experiencing.

"The EMTs are here! Sam, we're gonna get you to the hospital, don't worry!" Daniel announced. He couldn't help but wince at the last choice of words, of course she was worried.

"Excuse us Ma'am, Sir. Can you step aside." A tech asked briefly, already making way to place Sam on the stretcher with his partner.

"Ma'am, Ma'am! Can you tell me what your name is?"

"Sam."

"Okay Sam, I'm gonna need you to take some slow, deep breathes for me okay?"

Sam nodded at his request. Time felt as though it stopped completely. Her brain felt as though a fog surrounded it. Looking around, Jack, Janet, Daniel and Teal'c all looked pixelated and soon, the room began to spin.

"I think I'm gonna…." Sam passed out, mid-sentence.

Time stood still. Seconds, minutes, hours passed by all in a blur. Everyone was crowded in the hospital waiting room. They had all traveled together following the ambulance. Janet was the only one allowed in the bus with Sam.

Jack was pacing the floor, constantly looking at the doors where the doctors would give them an update on Sam's condition.

"Sit down Jack, you're burning a hole in the ground. She's going to be fine. Janet is with her." Daniel tried to reassure his friend. He was hopeful that his words were more than just warm, meaningless thoughts.

"You don't know that. Did you see how much blood she lost?" Jack's voice wavered and his eyes shined with unshed tears. It scared Daniel to see them. It brought back memories to when Sam was first lost. Brought back the haunted look that he always held the rare times Jack mentioned losing his son, Charlie.

"I can't do this again Daniel. I can't."

"You won't do anything alone O'Neill. Not when we are here." Teal'c assured him. Teal'c hugged O'Neill in a rare exchange. He felt O'Neill relax and let out a deep, ragged breath. O'Neill and Teal'c both prided themselves on being strong and resilient. Letting everything bounce off of them, putting on a strong face for their friends and family. Feeling his understanding and empathy in that moment, helped O'Neill feel as though he really could survive his worst fears.

The doors swung open and at the sound of heels clicking, O'Neill and Teal'c broke apart with a short nod of appreciation.

"What's going on Janet?"

Janet stole a glance backwards at the door, then at her feet. She swallowed her nerves, tried to swallow down the emotions and thoughts that were simmering below the surface.

"Say it." Jack spoke, unnervingly calm and steady.

"The doctor's went above and beyond in performing every life saving measure they could. I made sure of it. But, ultimately Sam's blood loss was too great. I'm so sorry Jack." Janet placed a gentle hand on his arm. She could barely wrap her mind around this. They were all just beginning to find happiness again. They almost lost Jack completely to his despair the last time. How does anyone come back from this? The human spirit can only take so much and Jack had more than his fair share.

Jack stood there, numb. Hearing that Sam was gone, Jack felt like his last breath was gone with her. Everything else felt empty, the room felt like a vacuum trying to consume him. Wordlessly, he slid into a chair and stared aimlessly attempting to process the unprocessable.

"What about the baby...is the baby…" Daniel stuttered, still feeling the shock of Janet's revelation. Janet nodded and a small smile slid on her face.

"Slightly jaundice, but she's ok, she's breathing on her own. They have her in NICU."

"Are we able to see her?" Teal'c spoke up, Jack had yet to move from his spot.

"Hospital policy states only direct family are permitted in NICU." Janet paused and waited until Jack finally looked up. "I...told them that you were the father, I'm sorry, I just thought…." 

"No. That's fine. Um...thanks Janet. Take me to her, please?" Jack voice interrupted, void of any emotion.

"Of course." Janet inhaled deeply.

"We'll give you some time and wait here." Daniel promised. He wasn't really sure what to do. But it felt wrong to leave. Everything felt wrong.

Jack and Janet stood in front of a window, looking into room filled with babies in hospital grade bassinets. Nothing but silence stood between them. Mothers and fathers could be seen fawning over their newest bundle of joy.

"Which one is Sam's daughter?" Jack whispered.

Janet pointed to a baby in the corner, wrapped into a pink blanket. "Can you come in with me?"

Janet nodded and moved to meet Sam's daughter properly for the first time. Jack slowly walked around the corner, glancing into the bassinet with a look of awe in his eye. He felt pure joy and pure insufferable pain all at once.

"You weren't lying when you told the hospital I was her father ya know? This is my beautiful little girl, her adoption papers were finalized last week. How is that for irony?" Jack gave out an emotionally void laugh.

"There's nothing I can say that will matter. But you were always her father Jack, no court of law needed to tell you that."

"Before this moment, I was planning how to be back with Sam as soon as possible. I didn't even consider anything else. But now, I see, Sam is still with me in a small way." Jack confessed a part of the darkness that threatened to consume him.

A nurse came by and offered to show Jack how to bottle nurse the small child. Politely declining, Jack took the extended bottle from the nurse and lightly pressed it to the sleeping baby's lips. Running it along her mouth, the baby hungrily latched on, with closed eyes.

"Just like riding a bike." Jack whispered, careful not to jostle or startle the newborn.

Wanting to give him some time alone, Janet slipped out to return to the waiting room where she was sure Teal'c and Daniel were still waiting at. So much uncertainty laid ahead, but Janet swore she would do everything in her power to make sure Sam's family not only survived this but would thrive.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 25**

The walk back to the waiting room was draining on Janet's five foot three frame. The weight of the day was catching up to her as the adrenaline was running off like waterfalls. Opening the door, she allowed herself to sink into the nearest chair. Daniel didn't bother standing to greet her. Whether lacking the energy himself, or sensing her need for a personal moment was uncertain. He still looked as though he was processing everything. And to be honest, she was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that her best friend wasn't there anymore.

Dead. Sam was no longer here. It was a surreal fact. She had outrun the reaper on several occasions. So much so, rumors swirled that she was invincible. But in the end, she really was only human. Janet's mind wandered to the moments that seemed to play on a constant loop. The moments of trying to bring keep Sam alive, keep her warm. The doctors pumped cycles upon cycles of blood through her, but as quickly as it entered, it seem to leave. The machine monitoring her heart flatlined and sent a pang into Janet's own heart. Time was of the essence and Dr. Fraiser pushed Janet to the background and took action. The baby was still viable, but only if they safely removed her from Sam's dying womb quickly. The cries that filled the room, chased away the heavy hearts that settled on the room like a dark cloud. In a world of darkness, Janet knew this baby would be the one salvation, their saving grace.

Snapping out of her reverie, Janet took in her two friends. Teal'c sat on the questionable carpet, seemingly doing candle-less kelnoreem. He didn't appear to be completely connected, and Janet suspected it had very little to do with the missing element to his meditation ritual. Taking everything in, Janet allowed her eyes to close. But what she didn't allow, was for the tears to begin flowing as freely as they did.

She flinched in surprise at feeling Daniel's hands on her shoulders, carefully guiding her up. One look, and she collapsed into his embrace, breaking down finally. Sam was the sister she never had. They had leaned on each other for so much and for so long.

"Why did this happen?" Janet asked between gasps, "What do we do now." Daniel continued to hold Janet, soothing her the best he could.

"I don't know. But we have to be strong. For Jack. For Sam's baby." Daniel spoke, his voice just as shaky as Janet felt in his arms. This didn't compare to anything like the last time when they thought Sam was missing on a different planet. At least with that, there was hope. Now it is all gone. The only slight ray of light was Sam's tiny baby girl.

"I am planning on focusing all my foreseeable efforts into aiding in the care of Baby Carter, including whatever assistance that O'Neill may acquire. I believe that is what SamanthaCarter would want most from all of us." Teal'c's voice broke forward. They all stood silently, no more words could be found that were suitable to fill the void.

Down the hall, the still shell-shocked man stood in the same place he was two hours ago. He had carefully laid the blissfully unaware child back in her incubator. The nurse told him that since she was pre-term, she had to spend as much time in her crib as possible to lessen the risk of infection that she would be exposed to.

Jack thought back to when Charlie was born, a whole lifetime ago. He was a preemie too. Sarah was so good with him. She seemed to know exactly what to do, and exactly when. He worried about everything, from the tiny burps he would have after being fed, to even the lack of burps he didn't have after being fed. Funny, he would be the one that would have all the answers while Sam….would never get the chance to know any of it.

His hand involuntarily clenched in anger. Part in shame. It hadn't even been 24 hours and he forgot she wasn't alive? He hated that he even allowed himself to feel the tiny sliver of joy that holding his daughter, when she was now half orphaned. These were irrational thoughts, Jack knew that. But he was a very irrational person a majority of the time.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It took him so long to even entertain the idea of finding someone that he wanted to start a life with. And if it hadn't been for Sam, he doubts he would even have wanted to ever have another child. But the second he had seen her, he saw stars as cliched as that sounded. And as much as he hated those, it was what actually happened. The more he thought about it, the more he realized the two really were like star-crossed lovers, modern day Romeo and Juliet. Only instead of families pulling them apart, it was the military.

And like his luck with fate and her sick twisted sense of humor, everything was snatched away from him before he even got to experience happiness. Sam was the ray of light he had in a world of darkness and despair. He didn't think he would get plunged back into that darkness so violently. He felt like he was being waterboarded and it would never stop. Jack looked around, almost as if he was really seeing for the first time since he got in the room. Other parents were surrounding their children, fawning over their newest bundles of joy. They were so happy and carefree. Blind to his own pain and suffering. How dare they be so happy, when Sam wasn't alive?

The smiles and warmth in their eyes suddenly made his stomach feel queasy and the room felt as though it would cave in around him. He got up and made for the door, he felt like he needed some air. Walking down the long hallways, he kept walking until he broke free from the constraints of the four walls that would forever mark the worst day of his pitiful existence. He inhaled deeply for the first time since Janet told him he would never see Sam again. Still, he felt suffocated. Still, he felt lost.

Jack was sure this was when time stopped. Nothing held consequence anymore. Whatever happens is insignificant. As his thoughts began to snowball into even darker directions, he shook his head, and exhaled again. He can't think about this anymore. The more he thought about this, the more that he knew he would be lost to the abyss. No. He had been there before, and Daniel was the only one who brought him back. But this time, there would be no return. It would have been a one way ticket. And Sam's baby didn't deserve to be completely orphaned. From that point onward, Jack refused to focus on anything but the baby's needs. And first call of business was to stop calling the baby "baby" or "Sam's baby." Thinking back to previous conversations, they had never really settled on a name. Not strongly at least.

Like a whisper, the name Grace came to him. The name fit her like a glove the longer he thought about it. Because she would be the only thing able to save him. He was sure Sam would have loved it without a doubt. Taking another deep breath, he swallowed his resolve and returned to the hospital with a renewed mission.

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed, if you did...please review. If you didn't, let me know why. Apologies for the short chapter, I feel like a little bit of sad goes a long way.**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: Posting this way later than I wanted to. But I really struggled with this part, and I just started an online Graduate Certificate program which is taking more time than I imagined. But just know, I will finish this story...even if it kills me. \**

 **Chapter 26**

"So what are we naming the princess?" The NICU nurse smiled at Jack, clipboard in hand. This was one of the few times her job wasn't so cute and endearing. Having to fill out a posthumous birth certificate. Really brought the circle of life concept into perspective.

"Grace. Grace Marie O'Neill." Jack spoke in gently, quiet tones. Grace took the proffered bottle from him, nestled in his arms like she knew she belong there. A tuft of sandy brown hair laid on her otherwise bald head. Her eyes were soul piercing. Looking at her, Sam looked back at him. Her skin was a smooth olive coloring that made for a striking contrast with her eyes. No one knew what her father really looked like, and aside from coloring, Jack hoped she would adopt more than just her mother's eyes.

"That's a beautiful name. I'll go get the paperwork straightened out for you guys so you can finally get out of this place." the nurse patted Grace's foot, then left to do as promised. Five days had passed, and not one minute of that saw Jack outside the hospital. He had survived off of vending machine coffees, and cheeseburgers his teammates managed to get him to eat. Sam's funeral was in a couple of days but it was already organized. The military was giving her all the honors and recognition she deserved. Jack was grateful that he didn't have to be the one to make arrangements. He doubts his ability to survive that with any sense of dignity. He was dreading the crowds of people that would be there wanting to pay their respects. He knew what to expect. They would stare with their eyes brimming with pity and sympathy. The worst part of that is how genuine it would all be. It would be easier if they weren't offering their heartfelt apologies and kept it moving. Sam's loss would be felt by more than just him, and he knew that he had to acknowledge that. He wasn't the only one suffering. Even though it seemed like he was all alone in a brand new, Sam-less world.

Packing up Grace's baby bag that Janet so kindly provided, Jack snapped off the hospital bracelet that new parents were required to wear in the NICU. Before he got to the doorway, Daniel beat him through it.

"Hey, didn't know if you needed help with her stuff." Daniel explained. Jack had texted him once he got word that Grace would be discharged. He forgot how he originally got to the hospital in the first place, everything was still a blur. He vividly remembers decorating the nursery as if it was just moments ago.

"Oh, uh...yeah, I could use an extra hand or two. Thanks. Just waiting on the discharge papers and stuff."

Unsaid words hung in the air. Aside from explaining necessary details about the funeral, and attempting to get Jack to eat, the conversation between them was lacking to say the least. A man who studied languages with nothing to say was irony at its' best. But Daniel also knew Jack wasn't one for words that would merely be fillers and stir up pain that never even had the chance to be fully realized.

Right on que, the nurse came and announced they were clear to leave. Jack threw out a mumbled thanks, and made his way down the hall, following the hospital exit signs. Silence continued to greet them as they found Daniel's car. Jack placed Grace into the car seat and slid in next to her.

"I'm just gonna stay back here with her if that's fine. Want to make sure she's ok. First car ride and all." the last words came across almost as though they were more of an excuse than anything else. Jack felt like Grace was his anchor, and as long as he could concentrate as much of himself on her, he would be able to survive.

"Of course." Daniel easily replied. He definitely wasn't going to object to whatever made Jack feel most at ease. Driving out of the hospital parking garage, Daniel glances in the rearview mirror, unable to stop thinking of how they all came there mere days ago with Sam, and now here they are leaving without her. It was devastating how everything can change in an instant.

Daniel brought Jack and Grace back to Jack's house. He wish he would stay with him or let him help with the adjustments a new baby would call for, but he knew Jack well enough that that would not be received well. Jack probably wanted to be alone to process things in his own way. And normally, Daniel would protest Jack handling such a monumental loss alone. But the presence of Grace put him at ease, knowing Jack would never do anything that may endanger her.

"I really am not looking forward to driving back to my quiet apartment right now." Daniel's head was turned in, but he stole a quick glance towards Jack.

"Well then go stay on base. Look Daniel, I appreciate what you are trying to do. Really. But I just need one night without all the beeping and buzzing of the hospital. How about you and T come see Grace tomorrow?" Jack almost pleaded with him. His face was weary and he felt weary.

Daniel nodded and knew when to cut his losses. Wordlessly, Jack gathered up Grace's bag in one hand, her carseat in the other and left to begin the life he never dreamed of.

Hours had gone by and Grace finally drifted off to sleep. He didn't have the chance to set up anything substantial at his house. All the plans and baby stuff was at Sam's house. Including the nursery that was just freshly painted. But Jack didn't have the heart or the stomach to step inside her house just yet. So for the night at least, Grace had to make double use with her car seat. The nurse tried to teach him how to make a bottle, which amused Jack a little. She had to be half of his age, acting like he never seen a baby before. Turning the tv on, it crackles and breaks the silence of the house.

Jack couldn't say what was on the screen, but it made no difference. He just knew that he wasn't ready to be alone with his thoughts. Selfishly he briefly considered waking Grace. At least she required all of his attention. Left no time to consider how utterly heartbroken he was. Instead he settled for glancing at the infomercials trying to sell him something.

" _And if you call within the next 10 minutes, you'll only pay 3 easy payments of $19.99."_ the host exclaimed with way too much excitement for what was essentially an overly complicated shoe rack.

He seemed so cheery and upbeat, it made Jack felt sick to his stomach. He flipped to something else that was more somber. The news. The anchors quickly met his expectations, explaining how terrible things were getting. If only they knew the real extent.

He must have dozed off, as the next he knew, Jack was waking up to the sound of a crying baby and slivers of light stealing through the window blinds. Jumping up, he took long strides to the makeshift nursery in his room, which only consisted of Grace's car seat inside a large laundry bin.

Wide, water filled eyes stared up at him, already reaching with eager arms to be held.

"Come on baby, come to papa." Jack cooed. Gathering her in his arms, he gently rocked her on his hip. "I bet your hungry, huh? I can tell you're gonna be the best baby ever. Wait until I tell the guys how well you slept for the first time."

He remembered Charlie was very tempermental. Sarah always had a hard time trying to make sure his needs were met. One second he wanted one thing, and before you knew it he would be onto something else just as fast. And sleeping through the night was simply asking for way too much. The fact that Grace slept in three or four hour intervals on her first night home, was a Godsend.

Daniel made sure that the baby bag was packed with all the basic essentials. Rummaging through, Jack found the formula and set off to make Grace's bottle.


End file.
